One Day
by Hailie Jade
Summary: Something happened in the ER 5 years ago today that changed the lives of all who worked there.
1. chapter 1

Title: One Day  
  
Summary: Something happened in the ER 5 years ago today that changed the lives of all who worked there. Learn what through different views of those involved.  
  
Author's Note: yes I know I should be working on Things I'll Never Say, and I promise I will, but I don't know where I'm going with that because I never intended for it to have a chapter 2. However, thanks to all of you awesome people who reviewed it, I promise that it will.  
  
Btw, present in this fic actually means 2008, and A Thousand Cranes never happened  
  
On to the story, don't forget to review:  
  
*Present:  
  
Carter stood behind the admit desk lost in thought. To any casual passer he may look like he was daydreaming, but John Carter wasn't that lucky. He was lost in thought, yes, but he knew very well that it wasn't a dream.  
  
Its amazing how much can change in a day; one day, just one simple day.  
  
It was the day Weaver left  
  
The day Luka went home  
  
The day Chen, the day Chen died  
  
The day his heart broke  
  
The day his world fell apart  
  
The day he was left alone  
  
"Doctor Carter," a voice broke his thoughts.  
  
"Yes, Callie?" He replied. Callie Elizabeth was a new med student at County General. She was as bright eyed as they came. Normally he would love to help her, but not today, today was different. He didn't want to work today.  
  
*Flashback:  
  
"GSW coming in, two minutes out," Frank announced.  
  
"Luka, can you take it?" I asked.  
  
"Sure, Carter" Luka replied, and then heads towards the lounge for his coat, I assume.  
  
I get back to the charts that I'm working on and when I look back up my face brightens as I see her walking towards me. I smile and simply say, "hey."  
  
"Hey yourself," Abby replies with a smile that's only hers. I get up and wrap my arms around her as she comes behind the desk.  
  
"I haven't seen you all day," I say before kissing her.  
  
We reluctantly part seconds later as Luka comes out of the lounge and asks Abby to assist him.  
  
If only I hadn't let her go.  
  
*Present day:  
  
"Doctor Carter are you alright?" Callie asks him.  
  
"Huh? Sure, I'm fine," Carter replies, "what did you need?"  
  
"Can you come see my patient in curtain 3? He has a fever, and.."  
  
"I'll be there in a minute," Carter cuts her off as he sees Susan enter the hospital.  
  
"I thought you were off?" he half asks, half states.  
  
"I wish," she says cautiously. "Carter."  
  
"Trauma coming in," Taylor the desk clerk interrupts. She can hardly be counted as 'new' she's worked there for 3 years, but to Carter and Susan she would probably always be 'new'.  
  
*Flashback:  
  
The ambulance pulled in a little less then two minutes later, lights flashing and siren squealing; nothing new to the employees of County's ER. A police car followed it with its own lights flashing.  
  
I was just coming into work. Ready for another hectic day in the ER, but I was not ready for this day. No not this day.  
  
"Susan can you," Luka began to ask.  
  
But I cut him off with a no. There was no way that I was going to start early today. I just walked by and into the ER.  
  
I came to find Carter behind the desk, surrounded by charts. It made me kind of glad that I wasn't the chief resident. I said a quick hello, and just before I entered the lounge, I heard Luka and Abby enter with the patient.  
  
"What's open?" he asked. It was a simple question that we asked each other millions of times before.  
  
*Present:  
  
Carter and Susan look at each other. The same hint of sadness crosses their eyes; the same twinge of regret affects their hearts.  
  
"Dr. Carter, Dr. Lewis, ETA 5 minutes, did you hear me?" Taylor asks.  
  
"Um, yeah we a heard you," Susan stumbles.  
  
"ETA 5 minutes, right," Carter feels he needs to add.  
  
"Right, GSW, 5 minutes, Trauma 2 is cleared,"  
  
*Flashback:  
  
"What's open," I ask. A simple question that I ask all the time.  
  
"Trauma 2," someone answers. I still don't know exactly who answered me. Who led us to that room at that particular moment, but it didn't matter, as Abby and I entered the Trauma room with the intent to save the man who was lying on the gurney.  
  
*Present:  
  
"Dr. Kovac, you are needed upstairs." Myla informs him.  
  
"I'll be right up," he replies. He's still working in a hospital, still trying to save people's lives, but he's back in Croatia now. The place he called home.  
  
He came here to forget, and most of the time he did, but every year, every year he was reminded of what he couldn't stop.  
  
So he got up from his chair, pushed the thoughts from his mind and approached the stairs. The memories of the day exactly 5 years ago still on his mind. The images still imprinted. Forever haunting. 


	2. chapter 2

*Flashback:  
  
I was official on duty now. Lucky me right?  
  
As I looked through the files for a patient, a police officer walked up towards me and asked where the GSW was taken. I said trauma two, then realized, not everyone knows where that is.  
  
"Jing-Mei, would you take him to trauma two?"  
  
"Sure, Susan" she replied, "come with me Sir." The two walked away without me giving them a second glance.  
  
Present:  
  
"Trauma two?" I question nervously.  
  
"Anything else cleared?" Carter gets straight to the point.  
  
"Nope," Taylor replies not realizing our discomfort.  
  
"I'll take it," Carter offers, eyes a little glazed.  
  
"No," I say, "this one's mine."  
  
"Susan, I got it."  
  
"Okay"  
  
*Flashback:  
  
Luka and I have been working on the GSW for only a few minutes when Jing- Mei enters the trauma room with an officer.  
  
"How's he doing?" the officer asks, pointing to the victim, I didn't even catch his name.  
  
"He'll make it if we can get him into surgery." Luka replies.  
  
"Stop!" the officer orders.  
  
"What?" I ask bewildered.  
  
"Let him die," he says menacingly.  
  
*Present:  
  
"Mommy, I'm hungry!" Cara says as she enters the kitchen carrying her favorite teddy bear.  
  
"Okay, Cara what do you want to eat?" Abby asks the 4 year old.  
  
"Pancakes, Mommy, with strawberries." Cara answers then adds, "Please."  
  
"Sure sweetheart, but it's going to take Mommy a few minutes, okay?"  
  
Cara nods and then goes into the TV room to watch cartoons.  
  
Abby watches her little girl leave as she wonders what could have been.  
  
*Flashback:  
  
"I said, Let him die" the officer repeats as he grabs Chen and puts a gun to her head. "Or she dies."  
  
I look at Abby. For just one second I look at Abby. Then I hear a shot, and I watch Jing-Mei fall to the ground. This stops me from moving and I hear him menacingly say, " I warned you."  
  
"Luka," Abby says grabbing my attention and forcing me to look back at her terrified, tear stained face.  
  
"I'll kill the two of you as well," he says.  
  
"Stop." I whisper to Abby. She only nods. That was the beginning of the end. Not the end, just the beginning of it.  
  
*Present:  
  
"Where do you need me?" Luka asks as he reachs the second floor."  
  
"They need you to check on Mrs. Tarsan, Dr. Kovac" someone informs him.  
  
"Alright," he replies. It was going to be a long day he realized, a very long day.  
  
*Flashback:  
  
"What was that?" I ask, knowing full well that I had just heard a gunshot. I started in the direction that it came from. The security guards were also on their way.  
  
Everyone comes to a stop outside one of the trauma rooms. It takes me a second to realize that it was trauma two, and another second to realize that Abby's in there.  
  
The guards push me back from the area now as the police arrive. I can hear someone from inside yell. "I'll kill them too if you come in here." Too, I think, oh please god no.  
  
*Present:  
  
Carter waits outside in the rain for the GSW to arrive. It gives him too much time to think. Chuny stands beside him, but neither speaks. They both know what the other's mind is on.  
  
The ambulance finally arrives, giving them both an eerie feeling.  
  
Author's Note: hey so sorry for leaving you hanging here, but I really wanted to post this for feedback, and I'll try to get the next part written soon, that is if you guys even want a next part. ~Hailie 


	3. chapter 3

*Flashback:  
  
I walk to the hospital, arriving early for my shift, unlike most of my employees who always arrive late. I wasn't ready for what I found.  
  
"How many people are in the room?" I heard someone say as I walked through the doors.  
  
"What is going on here?" I ask as I look around and see everyone's attention is focused on one of the trauma rooms.  
  
"He has a gun, and hostages, Dr. Weaver," Randi answers.  
  
"What?" I say out loud. Hoping to get more insight I walk towards the numerous officers positioned in my ER outside of what I now realize to be trauma two.  
  
"Ma'am I'm going to have to ask you to stay back," a police officer informs me as I come closer.  
  
"This is my ER," I say when I suddenly notice Carter staring hard at the door only a few feet away from me.  
  
"John?" I ask trying to get his attention.  
  
*Present:  
  
Dr. Weaver sat at her desk staring fixedly out the window. She had work to do, charts to review, applications to read, papers to file. But that didn't seem important at the moment.  
  
Her gaze fell upon two young boys walking down the street, each probably without a care in the world, she thought. How long would they stay that way? How long does anyone really get to be innocent?  
  
Innocent, now that was an interesting word.  
  
*Flashback:  
  
"She's dead." He states, he must notice that my gaze has turned to Chen, and that I almost hesitantly leaned with the intent to approach.  
  
"Why?" I ask. I know better, but still I ask.  
  
"You didn't listen. It's that simple. Now, if you two start listening then maybe, just maybe I won't kill you too." He emphasizes his point by pointing the gun at me, then at Luka.  
  
What passes through my head? Everything, and nothing at the same time. Carter, Erik, Maggie. Things I've said, things I haven't. Things I've done, things I should've.  
  
I hear noise outside the room, about time I think.  
  
He must hear it too, because he shouts, "I'll kill them too!"  
  
*Present:  
  
"Cara, pancakes are ready," I call into the other room.  
  
"Yay!!" an excited Cara screams, running into the room. Teddy bear still in her hands, and her brown curls bouncing behind her. I watch as she sits on her knees, a habit I haven't been able to break her from. Today somehow it seems okay.  
  
"Thank you Mommy," she says as she shoves some strawberries into her mouth. Sometimes I wonder why I bother to make the pancakes when all she wants is the strawberries.  
  
I watch her eat happily, as I sit down at the small table and begin to eat myself. I look into her beautiful brown eyes and I can see him. And although I want to cry, I smile.  
  
*Flashback:  
  
"John?"  
  
I look up as I hear Kerry approach, but Carter's eyes remain fixed on the door.  
  
"What's going on?" Kerry asks.  
  
What's going on? I think, and I almost want to laugh. Almost, if it wasn't for my overwhelming need to cry. What's going on? Is that supposed to be some simple question? Oh nothing Kerry, we just all wanted to stare at the door together. Too cynical, I know, but its what I thought at the time.  
  
"Susan?" she says, "What's going on?"  
  
"We don't really know." I say. Knowing she wants more, I think of something to continue with. "We think that Luka, Abby and maybe Chen are in there," I force out.  
  
"Okay?" she states almost irritably.  
  
That's when I realize she didn't hear the gunshot. I don't know if I can tell her that. I suddenly don't have to when Carter simply says, "Gunshot."  
  
*Present: She looks like she's fine. She acts like she's fine. If you go by the logic that two plus two inevitably equals four then she's fine? Right? Maybe not.  
  
"Mr. Collins, you are all set," Dr. Lewis says, "I'll be right back with your discharge papers."  
  
She walked out of the exam room with the intent of going to the admit desk, but she found herself in the restroom instead. She stared into the mirror long and hard. Guilt, every time she looked into the mirror she saw the same guilt. She stopped the tears from falling, but she quickly found herself on the floor of one of the stalls, throwing up what little her stomach contained.  
  
*Flashback:  
  
Before I realize what's happening he grabs Abby. No, not her too I think. I would be willing to trade places with her, completely willing.  
  
"You really are beautiful," he says, pulling her too him and pointing the gun at to her head. I can't see her face, because that's what he's looking into, but I know the fear that must be in her eyes. I can almost picture it in my mind.  
  
"No," I say quietly. I want him to hear me, but I don't want him to hurt her. Two people are dead; he can't kill her too.  
  
"What?" he says slightly amused. "I have a gun to your pretty little friends head, and you have the audacity to say 'no'?"  
  
"You can kill me, just let her go." I offer, "Please, just let her go."  
  
"Luka," she stutters. I can hear the tears in her voice.  
  
"Oh, so you want to make a deal, huh?" he says. "Well let me tell you something, 'doctor'" he emphasis the word with disgust. "Whether the two of you walk out of here alive or dead, I'm still not getting away, so I can do whatever the hell I please."  
  
"Just let her go," I plea, I've seen enough people that I love die, I don't want her to be one of them.  
  
"Hum, you know what doc? You're getting to be really annoying," the man says bringing the gun away from Abby, up to point at me. He doesn't loosen her grip on her though, yet somehow I'm reassured that she doesn't make a sudden move that he may not like.  
  
I'm prepared for the worst, but what he says next still bewilders me today. "Get out." He shouts.  
  
"What?" I ask confused. "Well I don't really want to kill ya, but you are way to distracting, so get out." He says pointing the gun at the door. "And tell them that if they try to get in here then I'm going to have to kill her." With that he turns Abby around forcefully so that I must look into her eyes as he brings the gun back to her head and says, "Tell him to go."  
  
She looks at me for a long second before finally whispering, "go."  
  
He gives me a hard look and I reluctantly approach the door. Before I get to far he says, "Hey doc, tell them if they play their cards right, she won't die." I look at Abby hard. "Anything you want to say darling?" he suddenly asks her.  
  
Abby shakes her head. But he pursues, "come on now, he'll give a message for ya, won't you doc?"  
  
I only nod, that's all I'm capable of doing.  
  
She bites her lip and looks down at the floor for a minute before she finally looks up and whispers with tears running down her face, "Tell Carter I love him."  
  
I only nod. Just like before, it's all I'm capable of doing. 


	4. chapter 4

He stands in a small room, its nothing fancy, just a hospital room. Luckily for him its not one that reminds him of where he use to work.  
  
"So, what seems to be the problem?" he asks.  
  
He cares, he sincerely cares. He went through years of not caring what happened to anyone. All he could think about was how he couldn't save those that he worked with, his friends; yet again he was unable to save the ones that he loved. His decision to walk away still laid heavily on his mind.  
  
Along with the question of what would have happened had he not?  
  
*Flashback:  
  
"I'm sending one out to you," we heard a man yell from inside the room.  
  
Was it wrong that while three of my colleagues were in that room, my concern was for Abby? Is my love for her reason enough to justify me wanting to see her walk out that door, fuck the rest of them?  
  
I'm still not sure.  
  
The police officers point their guns intently at the door, awaiting a trick, some sort of game; I guess they must see it a lot.  
  
As the door opens I seem to hold my breath. Then I see him, Luka. Should I be happy that he's alive? Should I be glad that the man let one of them out? Even when it's not Abby?  
  
I suppose I should.  
  
"It's okay," Dr. Weaver says at some point, "he's a doctor here."  
  
Upon hearing this the officers lower their guns and allow Weaver to walk over to Luka.  
  
"How many people are in there?" one of the officers asked.  
  
Luka looked at me, I was ready for the worst, when he said, "Abby wants you too know that she loves you."  
  
"What?" I ask hoping that he doesn't mean that she's dead. She's never said those words to me.  
  
*Present:  
  
"Dr. Carter she's losing a lot of blood," Chuny says.  
  
They're in Trauma two working to save a life. The life of an 18 year old who got caught in the wrong place at absolutely the wrong time.  
  
Carter was distracted today, but that wouldn't stop him, didn't stop him from doing everything possible to save the young girls life.  
  
There were cases that he couldn't work on. Cases that came too close, but they understood that. He never would pretend.  
  
*Flashback:  
  
"So beautiful, what's your name?" he asked. His voice was even, his tone was flat, and it came out as a whisper.  
  
I just stood there shaking, staring at the doors that Luka just walked through. Tears falling freely now, I was alone. I was going to die.  
  
He still had his arm tightly wrapped around me, and I could still feel the pressure of the gun at the side of my head, and I knew I had to answer him, but I just couldn't speak.  
  
"Hey girly, I asked what is your name?" he repeated while slamming me up against the wall of the trauma room.  
  
"Abby," I whispered.  
  
"Abby," he whispered back, "That's a pretty name."  
  
He quickly spun me around so that my back was pressed up against the wall, and he pinned my hands above my head.  
  
That was the moment that I knew that what he was going to do was far worse then just killing me.  
  
*Present:  
  
The phone rings, and rings, until finally the machine picks up, "hi, it's Abby, leave a message."  
  
"Abby, it's Erik, I guess I couldn't catch you before you left for the airport. Let me know when you guys get home."  
  
The message was recorded, but it would be a while before it was heard.  
  
*Flashback:  
  
"She's not.dead?" Carter chokes out.  
  
"No," I reply and I see hope flash in his eyes.  
  
"Thank God," Carter whispers. I don't have the heart to tell him that it's not over yet, but I guess I already know that he knows.  
  
"Jing-Mei?" Susan's voice cracks.  
  
"It was my fault," I say quietly. It was, I didn't stop, that's all he wanted. But no, I didn't stop.  
  
"Oh, no," Susan and Kerry seem to cry at the same time.  
  
Carter seems to realize the situation before the rest of them. I see it the second he realizes that Abby's in there alone. His face seems to darkens, and the look he gives me would normally make me wish I were dead; unfortunately it fails, because I already did.  
  
"You left her in there alone!" he screams at me.  
  
I don't defend myself; I can't defend myself. 


	5. chapter 5

Hey, I just wanted to say thank you so much to everyone who reviewed. This story's for you, and don't forget to continue letting me know what you think. ~Hailie  
  
I also added names after each flashback so that you know whose point of view it is. I didn't want to add them at the beginning because it's supposed to create a mystery of who it is at first. (However, if you really want them at the beginning e-mail me at: Hailie_jade24@yahoo.com)  
  
*Present:  
  
He was working today so that he wouldn't have to do anything else, because anything else would require him to think about the past. Unfortunately his plan failed and he thought about it anyway.  
  
Did Luka blame himself? Of course, but probably not as much as other people did.  
  
*Flashback:  
  
I had entered the ER and gone into the lounge to get ready for my shift before I realized anything was wrong. It was a habit of mine, getting there early so that I could find out what was going on, okay that's not true, years in the military had taught me that early was on time, and on time was late. So I was always there 'on time', it was a hard habit to break.  
  
So as I walked over to the admit desk, I didn't know that anything out of the ordinary was going on. How did I miss the police? I don't know, I just did.  
  
I approached the admit desk where Frank was sitting and said, "Hey, where is everyone?" I noticed the gloomy mood, but passed it off as a bad day.  
  
"Abby's still in Trauma two," he replied, not looking up.  
  
I just stared at him for a few minutes waiting for him to talk about everyone else, but when he didn't I continued, "okay, what about everyone else?"  
  
He looked at me and he must have realized that I didn't know what was going on because he said, "A guy came in dressed as a cop and took trauma 2 hostage. Kovac's out, but he killed Chen, and Abby's still in there," He said it all in one breath; I guess more would have required him to think about it. He also never looked up.  
  
I took the news without a reaction. What would have been the right reaction? Crying? Screaming? I don't know.  
  
Chen was dead? I just saw her yesterday. We weren't good friends, but I respected her. She was a good doctor. She couldn't be dead. No, that can't be true, maybe it wasn't true. There was always hope, wasn't there? Maybe not today.  
  
Abby? Abby, I knew better. Her I even considered a friend. I had gone with her to find her brother. Later, after everything was all right she thanked me. Simply, yes, yet it had started a friendship that I value. I found her on the roof that night, when Carter wasn't here. I had helped her; at least I like to think I had. (Gallant)  
  
*Present:  
  
"Hi doctor Gallant," Callie said as he entered the lounge.  
  
"Hi Callie," he replied. He was a resident at County General ER. He had matched with county a few days less then 5 years ago, they should have celebrated, but they didn't. It was what he wanted, right?  
  
"Do you think that something's wrong with Dr. Carter?" she asked.  
  
"Why?" he said opening his locker, looking at the pictures taped to it. One was of him and his girlfriend at Susan's wedding. Another with the gang at a party about a year and a half ago, Carter's congratulations party; he was now 'chief'. A third, the one he cherished, was taken about 6 years ago, with everyone, Dr. Weaver, Dr. Kovac, Dr. Chen, Abby, Dr. Green, Carter, Susan and many others that were still here, and others that were gone.  
  
"He just seems distracted."   
  
*Flashback:  
  
"You left her in there alone?!" Carter screams.  
  
"Carter, don't do this right now," I say, trying to stop a fight that we don't need right now. That's my job, right? As head of the ER it's my job. But isn't it also my job to ensure that they're safe? They are my co- workers, my staff; I should make sure that they're safe.  
  
"Doctor Kovac, we need to speak with you," an officer says. Luka nods his head awaiting the inevitable questions.  
  
They move to a different room, I follow and listen to his answers, I have a right to know, it's my ER.  
  
"How many people were in the room when the shooting began?" an officer asks.  
  
"Five." Luka answers  
  
"Who?"  
  
"Myself and Abby," he begins, his voice cracking as he says her name. "We were working on a patient when Chen," he quickly looks away and we sit in silence for a few minutes then he finally continues, "and the man walked in."  
  
He concludes then almost as quickly adds, "We thought he was a cop." (Weaver)  
  
*Present:  
  
She tried to convince herself that that day wasn't the reason that she left. Nope, she had gotten the job in New York before that day began. She was just debating whether to go or not.  
  
That day didn't decide her fate. She enjoyed her job here, she missed the patients, sure, since her job is almost completely administrative, but that's what she wanted. No, she had decided firmly, it was a choice that she had made; it wasn't influenced by the events.  
  
Sometimes, however, she did miss them, and she wonders how many of them stayed?  
  
*Flashback:  
  
I watch Luka and Kerry walk away, for questioning they say.  
  
I have the desire to scream, I want to know what happened!  
  
I want to follow them; I think I have a right to know. But I don't follow; I can't follow. I can't look away from the door.  
  
We haven't heard anything for a while. That has me scared and relieved at the same time. I think about how happy we were just a few hours ago.  
  
"She's going to make it," Susan tries to comfort me.  
  
"What if she doesn't?" I ask, turning to look at her. I realize that her eyes are red too, and she's slightly shaking.  
  
"It's my fault," she says quietly.  
  
"What?" I ask not sure what she could be blaming herself for. It wasn't her fault none of it was. For me everything came down to Luka.  
  
Everything. (Carter)  
  
*Present:  
  
Carter sat in the dark exam room. They had lost the girl he had worked on earlier.  
  
They did everything they could, but 'you can't save everyone', the words rang in his head.  
  
No, he couldn't save everyone, but he could try. And try he did.  
  
He got up and left the room, ready for the rest of his shift. For some reason he doubted he would get home today.  
  
Okay so there it is, what did you think? I'm working on the next chapter and I'm going to try to get it up today or tomorrow. ~Hailie 


	6. chapter 6

*Flashback:  
  
He had me pressed up against the wall. I could hardly breath, but I considered that to be the least of my problems. My hands he held above my head so high that I had to step on tiptoes to keep from having them stretched to far.  
  
I tried to look away, but he positioned the gun so that I had to look straight at him. Have you ever looked into the face of a killer? He had no remorse, no regret. That look would have been forever engraved in my mind, had the day ended there.  
  
He put his face to mine and kissed me forcefully. I tried to back away, but I found my head firmly pressed against the wall. Tears finally fell, ones that were too afraid to come before, they finally fell.  
  
I understood what it meant, or at least I thought I did until he quickly backed off, letting go of my hands, which I just allowed to drop. "Don't move," he instructed, almost quietly, almost.  
  
He moved towards the man on the gurney. I just stood there, back against the wall, using it for support. I watched him.  
  
The room was filled with silence for several minutes, before he looked in my direction again and said, "You want to know why, don't you?"  
  
I shake my head the minute the words leave his tongue. Apparently that was the wrong answer.  
  
(Abby)  
  
*Present:  
  
They enter the airport, Abby holding Cara's hand while pulling a suitcase on wheels. They were both dressed in pants, and Abby held a duffle bag that contained sweatshirts, however it was warm outside. Orlando in the winter still tended to be warm.  
  
On Cara's back is a small backpack that had CAR'S TOYS etched on it with glittery thread. Uncle Eric had gotten that for her after Sunset Barbie was left at his house and he had gotten a tearful cry from his favorite niece. This way the toys stayed together. At least as together as a four year old allowed.  
  
As Abby came to stand in line she continued convincing herself that she could get on the plane. She would get on the plane.  
  
"I have two tickets reserved," Abby said as she reached the counter.  
  
"What's the name?" the women behind the desk asked.  
  
"Abby Wyczenski."  
  
*Flashback:  
  
"It's my fault," I say quietly, silently hoping that Carter doesn't hear me.  
  
However I realize he does when he says, "what?"  
  
I don't know whether to answer. I know he won't understand.  
  
I sent Jing-Mei to the room.  
  
I sent the man to the room.  
  
I didn't ask for ID, I didn't question him at all. It's my fault.  
  
"Susan," Carter says breaking me from my thoughts.  
  
*Present:  
  
"Dr. Lewis, you have a phone call," Taylor informed Susan.  
  
"Who is it?" she asked.  
  
"Kevin,"  
  
"I'll take it in the lounge," Susan said, beginning to walk towards it.  
  
"Line 2," Taylor called after her.  
  
"Hi honey," Susan began as she picked up the phone to talk to her husband.  
  
"Hi," he said, his voice sounding a little nervous.  
  
"What's wrong?" Susan couldn't stop herself from asking.  
  
"Lacie's sick."  
  
*Flashback:  
  
(Back in the police questioning room)  
  
"Can you tell us what happened?" Officer Michaels asked Luka.  
  
"He told us to stop," I barely hear Luka answer.  
  
"What do you mean, stop?" the officer asked.  
  
Luka looked up from the table and directly at me when he said, "he wanted us to let the patient die." He then looked back down at the table and mumbled, "I looked at Abby for one second."  
  
I didn't know if I should say something. I didn't know what to say.  
  
Luka solved my problem by continuing, "I should have just stopped. He had a gun, it's my fault that he killed her."  
  
(Weaver)  
  
*Present:  
  
"Dr. Weaver?" a voice calls out while knocking on the office door.  
  
"Come in," Kerry calls back.  
  
When the door opens it reveals a middle-aged man holding a stack of files. "These need reviewing," he tells her.  
  
"All right, Dr. Morgan I will get to them" she replies.  
  
"Have you narrowed down the candidate list?" Dr. Morgan asked.  
  
"Yes I have."  
  
*Flashback:  
  
I walk towards trauma two with a need to know what is going on, but I'm stopped because of the waiting room of people. We closed trauma, but other people still needed to be helped.  
  
I took a chart from the admit desk, Christopher Jenkins. I still remember his name clearly today. Fifteen year old with stomach pain. I had him in a room and tests ordered in record time, I did it right, he got good care, but I admit maybe he deserved better.  
  
I again found myself gravitated towards trauma two, which was guarded by a lot of police. The whole hallway had been evacuated; it was quite startling.  
  
That's when I saw them. Carter and Susan stood as close to the room as the police allowed. Both of their eyes fixed on the door.  
  
As heartbreaking as the situation was for me, I didn't fully realize what was happening until I saw them. Their friend, and long time colleague was dead. Their best friend, Carter's girlfriend was still in there.  
  
I didn't approach; I had no right to approach. I went on with my job.  
  
(Gallant)  
  
*Present:  
  
"Have you seen Carter?" Susan asks Gallant as she walks out of the lounge.  
  
"I think he's in exam 3," he replies.  
  
She promptly turns to walk to exam 3 without further conversation.  
  
Gallant picks up a chart from the desk and seeing his med student, Dylan Rogers, he walks towards him handing it to him as they go to their jobs.  
  
*Flashback:  
  
I shake my head the minute the words leave his tongue. Apparently that was the wrong answer because he approaches me again and slaps my face hard.  
  
"Don't lie to me girl," he says sinisterly. Then he asks again, "do you want to know why?"  
  
"Yes," I somehow whisper shakily.  
  
"He's my brother," he says, "you see we were best friends." He looks down at the man's face, but I don't allow my eyes to follow. "He killed my son. Damn drunk driver. He just walked away without a scratch, but my boy died. I had to make sure he did too."  
  
I didn't know what to do, so I just stood there staring at the floor.  
  
(Abby) 


	7. chapter 7

*Present:  
  
Abby sits in a crowded waiting room with Cara on her lap. She had gotten to the airport too early; she had too much time to think.  
  
She wanted to actually get there this year. Every year she told herself that she would. Every year she didn't.  
  
Four failed attempts to go back.  
  
The first year she reserved tickets.  
  
The second she got to the airport.  
  
The third she even checked in.  
  
The fourth she made it to Chicago. Well only to the airport.  
  
This time she was going to go back. She wanted to believe that she could do it. She needed to do it.  
  
She owed it to him.  
  
*Flashback:  
  
"Susan," I say breaking the long moment of silence that we shared.  
  
"What?" she answers trying to sound confused.  
  
I see through her attempt, but don't want to press her further. So I drop it.  
  
I don't understand what she believes is her fault, but I can't focus on that at the moment.  
  
No a million different outcomes run through my head, none of them good.  
  
Is this what it feels like to be Abby? Damn I wish that thought didn't rush through my head. I am close enough to breaking down without trying to get inside her head. Not now, not at this moment.  
  
*Present:  
  
Susan walks into the exam room in a hurry to find Carter.  
  
As she spots him she calls his name. Carter turns around from what he was doing and seeing Susan's anxious appearance, he excuses himself and follows her into the hallway.  
  
"What's wrong?" he asks.  
  
"I was wondering if you could, maybe, cover the rest of my shift?"  
  
Carter looks at her in disbelief and says, "Susan I have been here all morning, now you want me to be here all night?"  
  
"I'm sorry, but Lacie's sick and I really need to go home," Susan answers.  
  
"Oh, I'm sorry," Carter replies, "of course I can cover for you, it's not like I have anything better to do anyway."  
  
Susan looks at him sadly for a moment before she says, "thanks Carter," and walks away.  
  
Well I guess I was right, he thinks, I'm not getting home today. Then again, could he really consider where he lived to be 'home'? No he didn't think so.  
  
*Flashback:  
  
"It's my fault," I repeat again.  
  
"Dr. Kovac the events that occurred can in no way be blamed on you," the officer assured me.  
  
Yes, the police wouldn't blame the events on me. The media would probably not blame me. Heck, most people probably wouldn't blame me.  
  
That didn't matter. Chen was dead because of me, and if something happens to Abby I will never forgive myself. I love her. I know she doesn't love me, but I will always love her.  
  
So you see it was little solace to know what Officer Michael's thought.  
  
*Present:  
  
He's done for the day, but something forces him to stay.  
  
He knows that Christina will be worried if he doesn't come home on time.  
  
He gets his things ready to leave, allowing enough time and room for him to help with another patient, another procedure. Anything.  
  
It doesn't happen. There must be a force of nature that prevents it from happening when you want it. The force must be universal.  
  
Sighing he walks towards the door and begins his short journey home.  
  
*Flashback:  
  
Before I realize what is happening he has me pinned against the wall again. I look away, but not for long as he forces my eyes back to his face.  
  
"Tell me Abby, do you have any kids?" he asks.  
  
"No," I whisper, forcing myself not to think back to a time when I could have.  
  
"No ring either," he comments. I am left not knowing how to respond, or even if I should respond.  
  
"My wife died 2 years ago," he continued, "my boy was all I had left, and He killed him."  
  
I close my eyes, knowing that I have no control over what happens next. I've had my eyes closed for only a matter of seconds when he slams my head into the wall and shouts, "I'm talking to ya girly!"  
  
My eyes reopen quickly, with even more added fear. I don't say anything, but he continues, "You tried to save him," he mutters in disgust.  
  
"He kills my boy. You don't save my son, but you want to save him?!"  
  
"It's my job," I whisper, feeling the need to defend myself.  
  
This seems to satisfy him for a moment, and I think that perhaps I will be okay, when he suddenly forces me down to the floor.  
  
*Present:  
  
"Flight 120 direct from Orlando to Chicago now boarding at gate 7," calls the announcement over the loudspeaker.  
  
Abby gathers her bags and takes Cara's hand as they walk to gate number 7.  
  
~~  
  
A/N: sorry it took so long for me to get this chapter up. Hope you like it, and please tell me what you think. Thanx ~Hailie  
  
I want to say Thank You to everyone who has reviewed my story! And a special thank you to mealz, Carbyfan, and carbyluva 313 for your continuous encouragement. It's kept me writing this story, so keep it coming (  
  
And of course I can't forget Tizzy, I love you girl you are the best cousin ever. (But no, the Callie Elizabeth in this story will not share your nickname, sorry) 


	8. chapter 8

*Flashback:  
  
I was tired.  
  
Emotionally, physically, in every way possible I was tired. I was tired of staring at the damn door. I was tired of watching the police do absolutely nothing. I was tired of listening to the normal sounds of the ER. Damn it! I was tired of all of it.  
  
I was scared.  
  
Scared of the way I felt. Scared of what Abby was going through. Scared of what Susan was thinking. Scared of what I may do to Luka. Just scared. Of anything, and everything.  
  
I was out of words. There was no reasoning left.  
  
I wished I was out of tears, but those stayed. They persisted to fall down my face in identical paths; at least they came silently I told myself.  
  
I was thinking too much.  
  
I thought about how we should have called in sick, we had thought about it that very morning. I thought about how I should have proposed the way I had planed on doing, instead of waiting for the 'perfect moment' which may never come. I thought about how I shouldn't have let her go help Luka, there were other nurses. I thought about how I should have taken the trauma instead of giving it to Luka in the first place.  
  
I should have been in there instead of her.  
  
I crumbled.  
  
I found myself on the floor against the wall no longer able to hold myself up. No longer able to be strong.  
  
I was tired, I was scared, and I was alone. She was alone. I couldn't take it, so the tears never stopped.  
  
*Present:  
  
Carter stared at the same doors that he so vigilantly stood outside years before. They didn't look any different then they had that day.  
  
He walked by them every day of the year, and it didn't matter. Except today, today they brought back too many emotions. They made him think about things that were better left unthought of.  
  
Before he even realized it, he was transfixed, unmoving before them. Paralleling the time he had spent there on another day. A day that seemed like it was a million years ago and yesterday at the very same time.  
  
*Flashback:  
  
It was too much. I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't sit and listen to Luka.  
  
The questions, his answers, they no longer seemed to come in order. Everything just came at once. It was like being lost in a giant puzzle that was more of a fight for survival, or sanity I rethought, then a game.  
  
Luka kept blaming himself. I should defend him, but I can't. I can't bring myself to speak.  
  
Was he right? I could see the question in his eyes. It was pleading with me to answer it. I should reassure him I reasoned within myself.  
  
I should reassure him, but I didn't. I didn't trust that the right words would come from my voice in the right order. It was unnerving feeling this way. I always had control. Control of everything. Everything seemed meaningless at the moment.  
  
I couldn't take the noise, or was it silence? Whatever it was it was deafening.  
  
I stood up, no longer able to stand the silent plea that came from his eyes, no longer able to decipher the dialogue that was continuous.  
  
No longer able to hide my anxiety at losing control.  
  
*Present:  
  
Kerry sits staring at the new charts that have been recently added to the pile on her desk. Her enormous pile, on her now hidden desk.  
  
The candidate list sits beside it. The candidates. Every time she tried narrowing them down she found herself comparing them with Carter, Gallant, even Abby.  
  
She had never been close with any of them. She had never tried to be. They had never tried to be. Except for the time she spent with them at the Lava Lounge after Mark's death, and when Abby helped her, was there for her, when.through a difficult time.  
  
She shouldn't miss them. She shouldn't want to know how they were, but she did. She always would.  
  
*Flashback:  
  
He has me on the floor, his weight pinning me.  
  
I struggle, but only momentarily before the gun is reintroduced to my mind.  
  
I plead for him to stop, but my pleas go unheard, or ignored, either way, it doesn't matter.  
  
I try not to think as he pulls at the waistband of my scrubs.  
  
I succeed, at least for a time.  
  
I separate myself from what he is doing until I feel his mouth on mine.  
  
The tears come as I crash back into reality.  
  
He notices.  
  
He smiles.  
  
I feel ashamed.  
  
*Present:  
  
Abby's thoughts roam as the plane moves further and further north at its amazing speed. Time has seemed to slow as the destination gets closer and closer.  
  
The importance of the trip has fully registered on her mind now, and she begins to mentally make plans for a quick change. Maybe they could catch another plane to a different city. They couldn't just go home, she wouldn't know how to explain that to Car this year.  
  
Cara, she lays asleep with her head across Abby's lap. Abby strokes her hair gently; believing that maybe she could get the courage that she needed from her. She pulls the blanket that has slipped up over Car carefully, not wanting to wake her. She's still amazed by how perfect her little girl is.  
  
Yes, she decides, she knew this was right. She wasn't just doing this for herself.  
  
*Flashback:  
  
I watch him slide down the wall. He looks lost. He looks broken.  
  
I mentally assess that I must look the same way.  
  
How much time has passed? I ask internally, but perhaps it had slipped through my lips, although no one answered.  
  
How long have we been outside the room, not knowing what was happening? How long had Luka been in questioning? How long has Abby been alone? How long has Carter been silent?  
  
Questions. Too many questions.  
  
It was peaceful and eerie in the same moment. It was calm and frantic among the same scene. Why were the police there when they weren't doing anything? Would talking to Luka change anything? I found myself wanting to scream at them, but I found myself unable to speak.  
  
If I had begun screaming would anyone have noticed? I didn't believe that Carter would.  
  
Carter. The thought of his name forces my eyes to look back down at him. He looks so scared. I wonder if he can almost picture her in there. I have never seen her scared, has he?  
  
Did I think everything would turn out okay? No, I don't think I did.  
  
*Present:  
  
Susan gathers her things, lost in her worry for Lacie. Its nothing serious, she knows, Lacie probably just has a cold, but she's her baby. So Susan hurries.  
  
She pauses to think that a part of her was glad that she can go home instead of spending the rest of the day avoiding walking down the hallway, past the room that today brought back more emotion then she wanted to deal with. Only a part of her though, the other part felt bad for condemning Carter to the fate that she was now running away from.  
  
Lacie was important, Carter understood.  
  
*Flashback:  
  
My head was spinning as I watched Kerry get up and leave the room.  
  
I had answered millions of questions already, but they still kept coming. Over and over I answered the same thing.  
  
No I don't know who the man is.  
  
Yes I thought he was a cop.  
  
No I don't know why he was doing this.  
  
Yes he made us let the patient die.  
  
What did they want from me?  
  
Kerry blamed me. I realized it as soon as she got up and walked out the door. She blamed me.  
  
I don't cry, but in that moment I did. I was alone. I was the one they blamed.  
  
I hated myself. I hated the man. I hated the world.  
  
Life had changed.  
  
*Present:  
  
Luka makes a stop on his way home to a secluded place that he's found and claimed for himself.  
  
It was just a bench in a park; there was nothing special about it, nothing at all. It was important though, in a small way, it was important.  
  
He had done a lot of thinking there. It was tucked away in a place that the path didn't come near, far enough were he could only barely hear the noise of the busy space around him.  
  
This is where he let himself get lost in the thoughts that he so hated, and loved. It was so confusing, the entire day lead to confusion. Things he loved, he grew to hate. Things he had hated, he had begun to love. It was terrifying and exciting at the same time. Why it lead to such a confusion of emotion, he wasn't sure.  
  
Tomorrow he would be okay. As soon as the day turned to night and the night brought first light, he would be okay. It was just the today that he found hard to get through.  
  
~~  
  
A/N: okay so what did you think? Sorry for taking so long to get this up, but this chapter proved to be a challenge to write.  
  
Thanks for all the reviews! I really do appreciate them a lot.  
  
~Hailie (Hailie_Jade24@yahoo.com) 


	9. chapter 9

*Flashback  
  
I was aware that people called my name as I walked hurriedly past them. I was aware that people moved from my path to prevent a collision. I was aware of where my feet were leading me. I was aware that I moved unstoppably, as if pulled by a force field towards the exit doors.  
  
I was aware of it, and I didn't stop.  
  
I would have been all right if I had left at that moment. I would have been just fine if I didn't have to deal with the aftereffects of the day's events. I would have been okay if I wasn't a witness to the outcome.  
  
I could have saved myself, and I would have, I honestly would have.  
  
That's when I heard it, the sound that changed everything.  
  
*Present:  
  
The phone rings annoyingly, bringing Kerry's attention back to her work.  
  
She looked at the clock in passing before answering the phone. She still had three hours left before she was done.  
  
Three hours. Three hours could go on forever. Hell, a moment could go on forever. She stopped herself before any deeper thoughts could make themselves present.  
  
"Hello," she said into the receiver.  
  
Another meeting, at least it would fill the day.  
  
*Flashback:  
  
The world was muted. I don't know how long it lasted, or even if it happened at all, but the world became silent, completely silent.  
  
Time froze. Nothing moved, no one spoke, no one breathed. Nothing happened.  
  
The experience was amazing, empowering, even comforting. Unfortunately it was broken, just like everything else, it was broken.  
  
It was broken as the sound of Susan sliding down the wall beside me tore through my head like scissors tear through paper. The pain was excruciating to my unadjusted mind.  
  
The thoughts in my head began to run again. Thoughts I had been momentarily able to forget. Or at least I like to let myself believe that I was able to forget them momentarily, now I'm not so sure.  
  
We sat silently, lost in our own heads for some time before Susan began to speak. She began saying my name quietly at first.  
  
I didn't answer.  
  
Her voice grew louder, her urgency stronger, as she repeated it several times.  
  
I still didn't answer.  
  
She sighed, and I believed that she was giving up.  
  
I was wrong. She wasn't.  
  
She continued, this time skipping my name and beginning with her question, "What do you think. . ." no, I couldn't let her finish that sentence.  
  
"Don't," I warned, I'm not sure how it came out, but my point was acknowledged. As long as the words weren't spoken out loud I could pretend that they weren't real. As long as they were in my head, I didn't have to admit the truth that we all, on some level, already knew.  
  
I didn't realize until several minutes later that I was shaking my head furiously; maybe I hadn't spoken at all? I'll never bring myself to ask her.  
  
That's when it happened. The end finally came with one sound.  
  
*Present:  
  
Carter stood on the roof confused by what had led him up here today. The sound of car horns loudly echoes from the busy street below.  
  
This wasn't a place to forget the things he was trying to forget today. No, instead this place brought back memories. It brought back memories of happier times, times when he could smile without it being forced, times when he had it all.  
  
Times with Abby. Yes he still missed her. Everyday he tried to get over the fact that she wasn't coming back, but the hope wouldn't die.  
  
*Flashback:  
  
He finally moves off of me and stands up. I move to slide my clothes back on, and he lets me. Then he tells me to lie back down and not move. I know better then to not listen by now, so I follow his command.  
  
"Goodbye Abby," he said pointing the gun at me. I didn't close my eyes. At the time I thought it might stop him.  
  
*Present:  
  
Abby hadn't even been aware of the fact that she had fallen asleep until the captain's landing announcement came over the speaker, promptly waking her.  
  
She gently moved to lift a still sleeping Cara into her arms while also grabbing their bags. She managed to move off the plane without fully waking her.  
  
It was time to make her decision. She took a deep breath and moved towards the taxi pickup line outside. She had to pause to sit down and reluctantly wake Car up so that she could put a sweatshirt on her.  
  
As Cara's sleepy eyes looked at her, Abby knew that she could do it this time.  
  
She needed to go back there. It was that simple. She needed to do this.  
  
*Flashback:  
  
I was still being questioned. I wish they would stop and just go help Abby; someone needed to help Abby.  
  
"So you believed the man was a cop?" Officer Michaels said, breaking me from my thoughts. Maybe that was a good thing?  
  
"Yes, he has a uniform on, we assumed he was a cop. Didn't I already answer that?"  
  
"Do you know his name?" The officer asked.  
  
All I could think was how stupid his question sounded, "No I don't know his name!" I yell, "Shouldn't you be trying to get her out?!"  
  
The moment I said it, is the same moment I heard the shot. No, is all I could think. She can't be dead too, she can't. I couldn't move. I was paralyzed by both fear and guilt, neither of which allowed me to run to the door like I wanted.  
  
The resonance of this second shot rang through my head, as I stood there frozen in time.  
  
*Present:  
  
Luka is startled from his thinking as a ball rolls through the woods towards him. A little boy, about 8 or 9, follows it. He looked worriedly at Luka as if questioning if he should approach for several seconds.  
  
Luka decided to help him with his decision by rolling the ball back towards him. The boy smiles, silently thanking Luka before he, and his ball, disappear back into the park.  
  
It is then that He realizes what time it is. He should get home it's late.  
  
Home. The word illuminates in his mind as he moves to stand up. It has been a while since he had a place that he considered home. Yet in the moment he realized, he consider himself to have one now.  
  
*Flashback:  
  
The moment the question left my lips I wished I could take it back. 'What do you think'..I don't even know what the end of the question was. I was only vaguely aware that I was asking it until I saw Carter's reaction.  
  
His eyes turned to me. They held such conviction, condemnation. It terrified me. He shock his head furiously, and he opened his mouth to speak. I don't know what he said, but I will never ask him.  
  
That's when we heard it. The sound of the shot rang through my head over and over. I was unable to move temporarily. I realized, however, that Carter already stood by the doors by the time I came to my feet.  
  
I was scared to find out what had happened. The end had come, but what it brought wasn't such a relief.  
  
*Present:  
  
Susan had finally made it home, and Lacie's temperature wasn't high, but that didn't stop the nervousness. She was only 6 months old, Susan's second baby.  
  
Aason was two years old, and he was defiantly going through the 'terrible twos' that people had told her about. Presently, he was running around Lacie's nursery pretending to be a superhero.  
  
Susan and Kevin had been married for 3 years now, and she considered herself lucky to have such a great life.  
  
Well maybe lucky wasn't the right word.  
  
~~~  
  
A/N: thank you for the reviews, and the e-mails! I know this chapter ends at a very tense part, sorry about that. The good news is that the next part will be posted on Monday (it's not quite done yet, and I won't have time to finish it until then). Hope you all have a great holiday!  
  
Mealz and CarbyFan: you will find out who Cara's father is in a few chapters.  
  
Well thanx again for all the feedback,  
  
~Hailie Jade 


	10. chapter 10

*Flashback:  
  
I watch him, unable to close my eyes. I lay on the floor, completely powerless, as he points the gun fixedly down at me.  
  
Then suddenly he changes the direction of the gun as I intently watch.  
  
I am still unable to shut my eyes when he pulls the trigger.  
  
I watch as he kills himself.  
  
I watch as he kills a part of me.  
  
Then when I am finally able to close my eyes I realize that I will forever have the moment engraved in my mind.  
  
Forever.  
  
No tears come. Although I am almost certain that they should have, and I can't explain why they didn't. I sit up, quickly bringing my knees up to my chest.  
  
I don't register the entrance of police officers. No, I just sit there until one of them comes over to me, almost touching me, and I whisper. . .  
  
*Present:  
  
Abby stands across the street from the hospital that she worked at 5 years ago.  
  
She stands there and suddenly feels unsure of herself. She feels out of place. She feels scared.  
  
The image of the place had been burned into her eyes, and the sudden appearance of it brings unwanted tears.  
  
She is about to cross the street when Cara pulls on the hand that she's holding gently.  
  
Abby looks down at the little girl and smiles while trying to mask her tears.  
  
"I'm hungry," she says simply.  
  
Abby nods her head, forcing herself to have the courage to walk into Doc Magoos as well.  
  
The place looks the same. She's unsure of whether she thought it would or not.  
  
After getting settled in a booth, She asks Cara what she wants to eat.  
  
"French Fries," she replies immediately causing Abby to laugh, and forget about where they are for a time.  
  
"I know that," Abby replies back, "but what would you like with them?" she asks amused.  
  
Car looks at her innocently and grins back with her own little smile.  
  
*Flashback:  
  
I enter the room and find her alive. For a moment that is all that I need to know.  
  
She's alive.  
  
I don't allow my eyes to focus on anything else in the room as my eyes fall upon her small form, as she whispers, "please don't touch me," to one of the police officers.  
  
You would think that after spending hours with them outside I would know their names, but I don't. And I can't figure out why that thought crosses my mind at this painstaking moment.  
  
I make my way towards her. The officer is still speaking to her saying, "Miss we really need to get you out of this room."  
  
She repeats her only reply again, "please don't touch me." the words tear through my heart.  
  
I crouch down on the floor next to her and without making a move to touch her I ask, "Abby is it alright if I pick you up and take you to another room?"  
  
She shakes her head 'no.' I shouldn't feel surprised, but yet I am startled.  
  
"Sir, we really need to get her out of here," the officer persists softly. I look up at him, knowing that he is only doing his job.  
  
When I look back towards Abby I realize that she hasn't looked up at all since I entered the room. As reassuringly as I can I say, "Abby I'm going to pick you up," I watch her shake her head before I reluctantly slide one arm under her knees and the other behind her back. I feel her tense up, and I feel ashamed.  
  
"You're okay now," I whisper to her, "I promise you, Abby, you're safe now."  
  
She doesn't reply. She doesn't look at me. Still I feel her head fall against my chest and I know she's crying. It breaks my heart, and I cry too.  
  
*Present:  
  
He's seen the normal number of patients today, so why did it seem like he'd seen millions?  
  
Most of the day is just one blur. Carter keeps finding himself in places nowhere near were he last remembered being. That's what today brought, confusion.  
  
It took him twice as long to do a normal exam, he wasn't sure if it was his focus or the fact that he had been there so long. Was he just tired? Could he blame it on that?  
  
He thought about getting lunch and he had made it outside and about halfway across the street when he realized that he couldn't enter Doc Magoo's today. It wouldn't seem right. For some reason, it wouldn't seem fair.  
  
So he stopped in the middle of the street. He stopped and turned around, slightly disgusted with himself.  
  
He wasn't even aware of the taxi that pulled up across the street as he walked back into the hospital, desperately awaiting the end of his shift. Well Susan's shift at this point.  
  
~~  
  
A/N: I posted it as promised. I don't know when the next chapter will be finished, but I'll try to get it done soon. Thanks for the feedback, please keep letting me know what you think.  
  
~Hailie (hailie_jade24@yahoo.com) 


	11. chapter 11

A/N: I know it's been a while, but I finally finished this chapter, hope it was worth the wait. As always, please review.  
  
**Flashback:  
  
I reached the door, and was just able to peek inside the room briefly before I was forced back by the now responding officers. I'm sure if Carter had been a few seconds later they would have forced him back too.  
  
My gaze in those few seconds fell upon the lifeless form of one of my friends. Jing-Mei, I couldn't deny it now. It was true, completely true. She was gone.  
  
It was my fault.  
  
As I'm forced further back from the door, Carter suddenly walks out with Abby in his arms. I smile weakly as I realize that Abby is alive. I think we all thought, at least I thought the worst had happened. Maybe it had?  
  
Tears stream down my face the same way it streams down theirs. Was it from relief that it was over? I thought so at the time, but now I'm really quite sure that that wasn't why.  
  
I watch Carter walk away without looking at anyone but Abby and his path straight ahead. I felt very selfish at the moment, because I wanted him to notice me, comfort me, and it was wrong.  
  
My attention was brought back toward the exam room, as Luka appeared only inches away from me.  
  
**Present:  
  
Kevin had gone to work soon after Susan had gotten home. He was going to drop the kids off at daycare, but now that Lacie was sick, Aason stayed home as well.  
  
Lacie's fever was getting worse and Susan decided it was time to take her down to the ER. She was a doctor, yes, but Susan felt she needed to take her in.  
  
So she packed up the dipper bag, and got Lacie ready. That part was easy compared to getting Aason ready. The little boy just didn't want to cooperate.  
  
"Aason, please let me put your sneakers on," and exasperated Susan said.  
  
"But Mommy I wanna play!" he said before running off.  
  
"Aason, we need to go to the hospital, your sister is sick," she said.  
  
"I don't wanna go!" he continued.  
  
Susan shook her head in frustration, and finally said, "I'll get you some ice cream on the way home, if you please come in here so I can put your shoes on." Bribery, she had hoped it wouldn't come to that, but she was desperate.  
  
That brought him into the room quickly with his shoes.  
  
**Flashback:  
  
I don't know how long I stood in the exam room where I had been questioned before I was able to move towards the trauma room that I had left, The place where it all had happened.  
  
One place, one event had changed the lives of so many. And I was one of them. The 'lucky one' they told me. Why didn't they believe me when I said I wasn't lucky?  
  
I walked toward the door just in time to see Carter's back disappear down the hallway. It brought great relief to my heart when I realized that he held Abby in his arms. However, I was still unsure of who was hit by the second shot that rang through the ER.  
  
I looked towards Susan, gathering the courage I would need to speak, to ask, to know.  
  
Her eyes emitted so much emotion. I didn't know if it was possible to be feeling so many things at once, but she was, I was. It was scary.  
  
My lips attempted to form a question. What question? I don't know; I had so many.  
  
She spoke first, "Abby's okay. ." she struggled with the word before choosing a different one, "she's alive." Yes alive. We would all find out very soon that she was far from 'okay.'  
  
**Present:  
  
Luka arrived home three hours later then Christina expected him. He hadn't realized how quickly the time passed.  
  
The day had begun to darken, and the lights shown brightly through the windows of the small house that he approached.  
  
She would be worried, he knew. Unfortunately he didn't care. Not today. He had said that so many times. Not today.  
  
He suddenly wondered why it hit him again. Years, he had tried for years to get through the guilt, the shame that had resulted from the experience. He had learned to cope with and even overcome the incidence that left him empty inside.  
  
He sat down on the steps that led to the front door as he pondered the rush of emotions that he felt. It was different then the emotions he experienced when he lost his family. He couldn't have saved them. He couldn't have changed things.  
  
This time he could have. That's why the guilt came back. That's why he could never see her again. No. Never.  
  
"Luka," Christina's voice said through the screen door behind him.  
  
**Flashback:  
  
"Abby, Ab look at me," I encouraged as I sat her down on the gurney in an exam room. I didn't know which one at the time, and even now I couldn't tell you which one it was.  
  
She didn't look at me, instead she pulled herself into the same position that I had found her in. She had her knees pulled up to her chest, and she buried her head behind them. She was shaking slightly, and this more then anything scared me.  
  
I could here her sobs and I desperately wanted to comfort her, but I didn't know what to do.  
  
So I continued calling her name, "Abby," no response.  
  
"Ab please look at me, I want to help you," she shock her head. At least she responded.  
  
"Abs," I said as I quietly sigh.  
  
I hear her sobs quiet slightly and her breathing become slightly quicker before she brings her eyes up to meet mine.  
  
I am no longer aware of what I was going to say when I was finally able to get her attention. So I said, "I love you."  
  
She looked away quickly to the opposite wall, and I am still unsure today of whether it was my words, or the noisy appearance of Dr. Weaver that brings her attention to the other side of the room.  
  
**Present:  
  
Having given up on Doc's Carter headed towards the cafeteria. The food was bad, but at least there were no memories there. He barely entered that place; there was nothing that could haunt him there.  
  
The walls were the same bland white as the rest of the hospital, he observed. The tables were a mismatched assembly of different pale pastel colors with chairs that complimented them. He let his mind wonder over aimless observations like those for some time before he realized just how unconsciously it was happening.  
  
By the time he had gotten up to the counter he was no longer hungry, but he grabbed a hamburger and a coke anyway. Even if he didn't eat it, it would look like he had a purpose in the cafeteria.  
  
~~  
  
A/N: yes, I know I already left one at the beginning, but I wanted to thank everyone who reviewed chapter 10, and any chapters before that. Just a little note, if you want to guess at what's going to happen, please send your review to hailie_jade24@yahoo.com instead of posting it on the reviews page, and I'll write back to you, thanx. 


	12. chapter 12

**Flashback:  
  
She looked up at me quickly as I walked through the door dropping the chart that I held in my hand. Her red eyes glittered as they widened in fear at my loud and sudden entrance. After a few seconds I watched the fear subsided slowly when she realized it was just me.  
  
Then as quickly as she looked up, she buried her face behind her knees. Her arms were tightly wrapped around herself; it made moisture spring to my eyes. The thoughts of what he must have done to her overwhelmed me.  
  
That's when I looked towards Carter to find him looking almost intently at Abby. His eyes broke contact with her abruptly as he looked up at me. His eyes pleaded with me, to do what? Take it all away? I wish I could.  
  
I swallowed the lump in my throat as I continued to move closer to them. I watched Carter, if he made any indication for me to leave, I would. When he didn't after several long moments, I moved closer.  
  
As I watched her tremble slightly, I was trying to gather the courage to speak. To say something. . . anything.  
  
Carter shock his head as I glanced back towards him. Why? I found myself thinking. What unasked question was he opposing? Probably all of them.  
  
My lips move to form a question, no not a question, maybe a statement. I still have no idea what I am going to say. What can I say?  
  
Unexpectedly my thinking is interrupted as Abby quietly dissolves the silence with a question of her own, "can I go home?" she looks up at me pleadingly then her eyes dance towards Carter as she adds "Please," brokenly.  
  
**Present:  
  
Kerry sat in a large boardroom; well-dressed men and women occupied the space around her. Their attention was fixed at the far side of the room at a white shade. Projected onto the screen was a presentation that would have captivated her on any other day. Today, she had no idea what it was about.  
  
Her mind was far away, in another city, in another year. It was quite silly really, she was over the events, and they no longer controlled her life. Except for this repeatable time every year when the memories became more then just memories they became almost real again. They were too real the first time; she didn't want to keep reliving them every year.  
  
**Flashback:  
  
"Alive," I tested the word out quietly. It's amazing how Susan's explanation turned from okay, to simply alive so quickly.  
  
It was the same way that the day turned from simple and dull to complex and heartbreaking. What I wouldn't do to be worried about clearing the board at this moment.  
  
My mouth feels dry and I absentmindedly run my tongue along my lips.  
  
My attention. Well my attention was focused on nothing. I was doing my best to make myself and this day disappear into the crevices of eternity. Forever forgotten, forever ignored. I failed miserably.  
  
Movement caught my attention, causing it to focus again. Susan had backed up against a wall in the hallway. New, quiet tears streamed down her face, as she gasped loudly for air.  
  
I wanted to take her into my arms and comfort her, but I couldn't. I was responsible for this. For all of this, I couldn't offer comfort when I was responsible.  
  
So I walked away. For the second time that day, I walked away.  
  
**Present:  
  
"Luka," Christina's voice said through the screen door behind him.  
  
He motioned for her to come outside, making it obvious that he would not join her inside.  
  
He heard the screen door creak open and then slam shut, but he didn't look back.  
  
She came down to sit with him on the stairs and he wrapped his arms around her slightly shivering form. "What's wrong?" she asked him worriedly.  
  
"Today," he replied. Yes today was wrong. Today would forever be wrong.  
  
**Flashback:  
  
"Please," I whisper looking up at Carter.  
  
I can't stand the way they are towering over me and unwanted fear suddenly rises in me causing me to back up impulsively.  
  
I watch as disappointment washes over his face at my actions and I allow new tears to spill down my face as I bite my lip nervously.  
  
Their gazes simultaneously turn away from me and to each other and I am silently relieved to no longer hold their attention.  
  
Neither of them speaks and the silence rips through me deeply causing me to wrap my arms around myself tighter.  
  
They must have had a silent conversation between themselves because they both turn to look back at me at the same time. My teeth defy me as they begin to clatter loudly, and I press my eyelids together tightly trying to imagine being somewhere else. The idea fails miserably as I only see his face as he laughs at my misery, my helplessness, and my brokenness.  
  
"Abby," Kerry says, I don't know how to describe the emotion in her voice. The tone was strange and it took me several minutes to register that it was my name that she had uttered.  
  
I don't react because I can't. I'm too consumed in the images that haunt me, the feelings that seek to destroy me. I'm terrified.  
  
I'm lost to the world when suddenly I feel someone's arms around me. I panic. I scream. I fight.  
  
Then I break down as I look up into Carter's eyes and allow myself to be held, to be comforted. I'm still terrified, and yet in his arms I let myself feel safe, at least for the moment.  
  
My unstoppable sobs soak his shirt as he holds me close, gently allowing me the necessary room for escape. His whispers invade my thoughts even though I am not able to decipher any of them. His gentle fingers roam through my hair calming me slightly. I almost close my eyes again, but am stopped by the knowledge of what I will see if I allow it to happen.  
  
**Present:  
  
Abby takes a deep and much needed breath as she stands before the entrance of County's ER holding Cara's hand tightly as if it were her only lifeline. Perhaps it was.  
  
She looks down at her little girl's beautiful smiling face and she tries to smile back.  
  
"Why are we here?" Cara asks innocently. Abby knew she would, She had expected the question to have been asked sooner. She knows hospitals, her daycare is at the one Abby works in, so obviously she would want to know what brought them here.  
  
Abby moves their path slightly to the side so that they didn't block the entrance and she crouched down to her level. She looked into her eyes, her beautiful brown eyes, which make her almost cry whenever she looks into them. "Mommy needs to do something, Car," Abby finds myself at a loss of how to continue. She looks away carefully searching for the right thing to say, the right way to explain. Then as she brings her attention back she finds more words, "This is where I use to work. . ."  
  
"Oh like Uncle Erik went back to Ministota?" she asks naively, stumbling over the name.  
  
"Yeah, kind of like that," Abby replies. Sure, it was sort of similar. Erik went back to remember; remember their childhood, their former school, their former house, and their mother.  
  
Maggie, he had gone back to visit her grave, something Abby couldn't bring herself to do. Yet she found herself here, she never thought that she would come back here. The connection that Cara made was deeper then any that she could have explained herself. Emotions overwhelmed her for a moment and she drew Cara into her arms tightly hugging her as if letting go would take her away forever.  
  
"I love you," she whispered the words more sincerely then she had ever said them before.  
  
"I love you too Mommy," came the beautiful response. 


	13. chapter 13

**Flashback:  
  
I don't know what I expected him to do. I don't know if I expected him to do anything, but I know I didn't think he would just walk away.  
  
I stood there for a while just frozen by the realization of all of it. Time, which had always seemed slow and endless to me moved incredibly swiftly.  
  
The motion around me seemed to never stop. People came, people went, it was useless to try to observe my surroundings because as soon as I thought I knew what was going on things would quickly change.  
  
I think I wanted to know what happened, but I could bring myself to ask. I wasn't sure of anything at all except that Chen was dead; and Abby, god I didn't even know what had happened to her. Was she alright? Would she be alright? I didn't know. I don't know.  
  
Someone approached me, at first I believed that Luka had come back, but as my eyes focused I realized it was one of the officers. He stopped in front of me and asked, "Ma'am do you work here?"  
  
I nodded yes and then a few seconds later forced the word, "Yes," from my mouth when he didn't respond.  
  
He looked back towards the trauma room that my gaze was focused on, but as I answered he nodded. Then he looked back at me, his face hard, yet compassionate at the same time. "We need you to identify one of the bodies," he asked.  
  
"I.I can't" I say and I try to walk away.  
  
"Please Ma'am," he asks again.  
  
"Who," I begin stuttering, "who else was shot?"  
  
He looks at me slightly confused and asks, "what?"  
  
I stare back at him in disbelief, I don't know if I can ask the question again, "Abby wasn't," I take a deep breath of relief as the words come out, "so who did he shoot?"  
  
He nods in understanding and says, "himself."  
  
I close my eyes. If he was going to kill himself then why did he have to ruin the lives of others as well? Why here? My friends, my co-workers, we would never be the same again, and he just kills himself. The coward.  
  
**Present:  
  
Susan closed the door to the car after buckling Aason into his car seat. Looking up at the house she found herself smiling. Things were okay. She had two beautiful kids and a wonderful husband. What more could she ask for?  
  
Maybe this would be the last year that she looked back and felt the same pain, the same guilt. If she had one wish she would wish the day away, but then would she be here today? Would she have Aason or Lacie? More unanswerable questions, she thought to herself.  
  
As she got into the car she couldn't help herself from looking into the backseat. A different realization hit her, yes the day brought her here, but it had taken so much from Carter. Yes, if given the chance she would wish the day away, and she'd hope and pray that she still had her happy ending, but she wanted one for her best friend too. Her best friends she amended to herself silently as the whole debate occurred within her mind.  
  
With that she turned on the car allowing 'The Wheels on the Bus' to resound loudly into the car. After turning the volume down, she backed out of the driveway and began towards the hospital, towards the ER.  
  
**Flashback:  
  
I watched her drift far away and I try to bring her back to me. I watch her struggle within herself and the overpowering need to hold her, causes me to encircle her with my arms without thinking.  
  
She screams in panic and my hold loosens, as I feel ashamed of myself. Not loose enough I realize as she brings her hands against my chest and tries to forcefully remove herself from my arms.  
  
I let go, allowing her all the room she wants. Her eyes look up at me and I see something pass over her face, it shines in her eyes. I don't know what it was: Realization? Recognition? I like to believe it was love.  
  
Whatever it was, she nods her head ever so slightly and I take it as an indication to hold her. This time she allows it, and she buries her face against my chest and cries.  
  
I held her close for some time, not wanting her to be hurting alone. Every sob broke my heart every flinch burned me inside.  
  
My fingers slowly moved through her hair as I whispered words of hope, of trust, of love.  
  
I don't know how long I sat there holding her, calming her. Eventually her sobbing stopped and she hesitantly pulled away from me, testing to see what the reaction would be.  
  
My heart stung as I noted that she was even scared of me. Her eyes gave the fear away even if her actions didn't. They scanned me as if looking for a purpose to my presence. I couldn't look into them any longer so I directed my attention to where Kerry last stood, only to find her gone.  
  
"Can we go home?" She asks me again quietly. I am trying to form a response when the realization that she said 'we' hits me. I close my eyes momentarily as I thank whoever is listening for the small hope.  
  
I want to say yes, I want to say I'll go get the car. I want to take the pain the hurt in her eyes away. I want to ease the terror in her voice. But I know I can't say yes, I can't take her home. I can't take away the pain or ease the terror. I can only sit with her for as long as she allows. I can only love her.  
  
"Abby," I say softly sitting down on the chair beside her so that I am eye level with her. "Sweetie, you know that you can't go home yet."  
  
"I don't want any tests," she declares.  
  
I can only bite my lip, trying to stop any new tears from flowing. I have to be strong, for her, I have to be strong. I contemplate saying something, but I know the only thing I will say is her name so I remain quiet.  
  
"Please, John, no tests,"  
  
Her eyes burn holes into me as she says it, and much to my dismay I find myself saying, "okay,"  
  
"Promise," she asks with such hope in her voice that I cannot deny her.  
  
**Present:  
  
Carter still sits alone in the cafeteria. His purpose is long forgotten, his break long over. Still, he sits.  
  
He watches. People move in and out, they sit alone, or in groups. Some smile, others have tears. Some shine of hope, others of grief. That's what life was. Happy or sad, everyone still occupies the same place, the same time, the same space.  
  
There's a large group of people across the room who are smiling as if they had just won the world. He was quite curious as to what they were rejoicing when finally someone came in with lollipops and candy cigars that had the magical phrase 'it's a boy' on them. He smiled despite himself. At least someone was happy today.  
  
Another smaller group held his somber mood. Tears were evident even if they were no longer flowing. Saying goodbye was hard. Saying goodbye forever was even harder. He had done it too many times.  
  
Others sat at various different points in the room, some alone, others in groups. Two teenagers caught his eye. They sat together both eating pie. Their eyes both shined of unshed tears, but they laughed. He watched the boy's lips move and though he didn't know what he had said, the girl's laughter caused him to almost want to laugh himself.  
  
Life he pondered wasn't as simple as some people think; yet it also wasn't as complicated as others argue. It's a mix of hope, of grief, of disappointment and joy. It's a challenge and a blessing. It's life. Yes, maybe it was that simple.  
  
~~  
  
A/N: wow, my third new chapter this week, (sorry a little proud of myself) anyways I hope you enjoyed this chapter. let me know PLEASE! Just hit the little old review button, or if you're motivated drop me a line (hailie_jade24@yahoo.com)  
  
Thanks to everyone who reviewed, on site and via e-mail! You guys are awesome, I'm glad you like the story cause I will only continue if someone still likes it.  
  
No new chapters this weekend, sorry I'm going out of town, but maybe next week, with the right motivation lol  
  
Thanx, Hailie 


	14. chapter 14

A/N: first of all I have to say THANK YOU to all my reviewers! When I got home and read them I felt really bad because I didn't even have this chapter started, so I wrote it for you guys :) I hope you like. THANKS, your feedback is greatly appreciated.  
  
To anyone who is still confused by the format: the story is written in flashback/present couplings, although the flashbacks are written in first person, and for the most part, especially in later chapters do not contain the name of the person who's POV it is written in the present that immediately follows, is written about the particular character. In other words the narrator of the flashback is identified as the main character of the immediately following present. Still confused? E-mail me and I'll see how I can help.  
  
Now on to chapter 14:  
  
**Flashback:  
  
"I don't want any tests," I say. I think I whisper, but I'm unsure. I don't want any tests. If they don't do any tests then he won't know, he can't know. We need to go home, we need to move on. He can't know I'm damaged.  
  
He hasn't replied, "Please John, no tests." Yes please let me forget, help me to forget. You can't know what happened. Now I know that he already did, but in the moment hope overrode common sense. Hope, yes at that moment I still held hope tightly in my hands crushing it. Using it to its fullest.  
  
"Okay," the small word sends such assurance through me. I would have smiled if it had been at all possible.  
  
I'm sure he notices, and yet it's still not enough, "Promise," I ask, no I think I plead.  
  
He opens his mouth to speak, to promise, but my gaze is averted.  
  
He never speaks the word.  
  
Luka stands in the hall, looking through the window. I attempt to move back again, but find myself against the wall already.  
  
I look at him, his eyes are hazy and I'm unsure of what he wants. I'm unsure of what to do.  
  
Carter obviously wasn't as unsure because he soundlessly stands up and moves towards the door. He looks back before opening it and says, "I'll be right outside."  
  
I nod. Fear and relief pass through me as if they were complimenting emotions instead of complete opposites.  
  
Fear is heightened because I am alone. I don't want to be alone; I don't want to be scared. I want it to stop. Can't someone take it all away?  
  
Relief is just as prominent. No one stares at me as I sit alone; no one looks or touches me as if I am about to break. I am not glass. I am not precious. I'm just me.  
  
He's just outside, so relief slightly overrides fear. He won't let anyone else in. I'm safe.  
  
**Present:  
  
This was it. There was no turning back now; Abby was now standing on the threshold of the place that haunted her at night.  
  
She walked through the doors with precision to her destination. She glanced at the desk clerk and realized she didn't know the women. She had never thought about who would still be here. Maybe everyone was gone?  
  
She didn't stop to wonder, she moved methodically towards her objective. She came to a stop when she had found it.  
  
Cara pulled at her hand, but she couldn't look down. No, she was transfixed. The doors in front of her lead to the past. 'Trauma Two', two words that she had not spoken together since before that fateful day.  
  
Her eyes became slightly blurry, as she stood at a halt. She was unable to approach, yet just as unable to walk away.  
  
"Ma'am can I help you?" the question burned the moment.  
  
"No," she said.  
  
"Are you looking for someone?" Callie asked.  
  
Abby shook her head.  
  
"Then I'm going to have to ask you to leave," the young med student persisted.  
  
"I. .have to do something," Abby said trying to keep her voice from breaking.  
  
"Ma'am I'm going to have to get security if you don't leave."  
  
Abby nodded, but she didn't move.  
  
She heard Callie's footsteps walk away, but she kept her vigilance.  
  
**Flashback:  
  
"Carter," I say his name cautiously as he enters the hallway, quietly yet forcefully closing the door behind him. He makes it clear that I will not enter the room; I will not enter her life. He won't allow it.  
  
Although I should feel angry, I feel relieved. I can't face her. Not now, not ever. 'I'm sorry Abby' that phrase belongs to me now. I own it. It haunts me. The words would never be spoken to her, and actions will never try to justify them. This is it.  
  
"You have some nerve coming here," he says to me controlling his voice, for her not for me. That much I know.  
  
"I. . .is she?" I stutter, not exactly sure why I am here. It has nothing to do with nerve. Stupidity? Maybe. Guilt? Defiantly. But nerve? No.  
  
His face hardens, and he almost turns around to look back through the window, but he stops himself. "You should leave." He tells me.  
  
Inside I almost chuckle. Where did you think I was going Carter? "I will. .I am," I tell him.  
  
"Now," he persists.  
  
I nod my head, and repeat the word, "Now."  
  
He's not done, even though I am. He continues to stare me down. I am sure I don't want to ask him what happened. I'm sure in that moment that I don't want to ask anyone what happened. She's alive; I'll take that knowledge with me and cherish it for the rest of my life. She's alive.  
  
"Forever," he warns sealing my fate.  
  
I nod, allowing myself to whisper the word. I'm not sure if it was for me or for him. Tell her I love her that is what I want to tell him, but I don't. I glance back towards the door, but I find him blocking my view.  
  
Goodbye Abby, forever. I'm sorry.  
  
Goodbye Chen, forever. I'm sorry.  
  
I'll be sorry forever.  
  
**Present:  
  
"Today," Luka replied. Yes today was wrong. Today would forever be wrong.  
  
Christina noticed that his gaze was far away. She was unsure of what his reply meant, so she asked, "What happened?"  
  
He looked at her gauging the worry in her eyes. Was it enough to tell her? Yes. "It was a long time ago," he said quietly.  
  
She was unsure of what to say that would keep him talking so she moved closer to him, wrapping her arms around him, and remained quiet.  
  
He told her, all of it. She didn't run. He told her about how he didn't stop, how he had left Abby, how he walked away from Susan. Still she remained.  
  
He held on to her tightly, allowing years of frustration, guilt, shame, and hatred to spill from his eyes. He cried for them. He cried for himself.  
  
As he used up all the tears he had, she still held him close. He pulled away first, needing to look into her eyes. There was no judgment in them. Only love, and worry.  
  
She smiled letting him know that she wasn't going anywhere.  
  
"I never told her I was sorry," he whispered to her.  
  
"I'm sure she knew," She replied, "I'm sure she knows."  
  
He looked up into the sky noticing the millions of stars for the first time in years. He smiled, and pulled her into his arms again.  
  
It ends here, today. "I'm sorry," he tells the stars.  
  
He was sorry, he would always be sorry, but it was time to let go.  
  
Closure wouldn't come, because he would never see her again, but it was time to move on.  
  
He stood up, bringing Christina with him and he led them inside.  
  
"Goodbye," he whispered to the day as he shut the door on it.  
  
Tomorrow would come.  
  
He could wait. 


	15. chapter 15

**Flashback:  
  
I walked down the hall attempting to find Dr. Weaver.  
  
Moments earlier I had watched Dr. Kovac leave methodically. It made me wonder when he would be back. Yes, I still thought when, instead of if.  
  
I stopped my search as I heard her voice fill the hallway around the corner. I didn't round the corner; I didn't give away my presence. It was wrong, but I stayed still and listened.  
  
"She needs tests John. I don't care what you promised her, she cannot leave this hospital without proper care."  
  
"She doesn't want it Kerry, she's terrified. She just wants to go home."  
  
They weren't discussing, they were screaming. I wondered where Abby was.  
  
"And she can go home, after an exam and the proper tests and,"  
  
"And what Kerry? Are you gonna get psych down here too?"  
  
I didn't hear a response from Dr. Weaver, but Carter's voice filled the air once more as he shouted, "She's not crazy!"  
  
I rounded the corner unsure, I didn't want to be in the middle of it. However, I couldn't just stand there and listen.  
  
That's when I realized that Abby was probably in the exam room behind them.  
  
There eyes both turned to me as I made my appearance. I asked quietly, calmly, "Is Abby in there?"  
  
Carter looked at me, eyes glazed and nodded.  
  
"Then you realize she just heard you."  
  
He closed his eyes, and tears spilled down his cheeks before he turned around and opened the door.  
  
**Present:  
  
Callie began to walk down the hallway to get security when she spotted him, "Doctor Gallant," she said grabbing his attention.  
  
"What is it Callie," he asked.  
  
"A women's been standing in front of trauma two for over 10 minutes, she says she's not looking for anyone. Should I get security?"  
  
His head came up at the response, surprise evident. "Trauma two?" he asked  
  
"Yeah, should I get security?" she asked again.  
  
He walked by her down the hall towards the room, when he spotted her.  
  
Abby.  
  
He froze.  
  
"Dr. Gallant?" Callie persisted.  
  
She had a little girl with her.  
  
She was really here.  
  
It was Abby.  
  
"You look like you just saw a ghost," Callie stated.  
  
He couldn't help but stare, 5 years was a long time. No one, besides Carter, thought she would ever be back. Yet, here she was, only a few feet away.  
  
"Dr. Gallant, should I go get security or not?" she asked completely annoyed by now.  
  
"No," he finally answered. He turned to her and said, "Go find Dr. Carter."  
  
"Why?" she asked.  
  
His eyes had moved back to Abby and he started to approach.  
  
"Abby?" he said gently, questioningly, as if he was doubting the name.  
  
**Flashback:  
  
I tried to block out the screaming.  
  
I wrapped my arms around myself tighter, hoping to disappear.  
  
I was backed up against the wall and I couldn't move back any further.  
  
I was scared. I was terrified. I suddenly felt like I couldn't breathe.  
  
I tried to make the tears stop. They wouldn't help anything, but I couldn't.  
  
I heard the door open, but I didn't attempt to lift my eyes.  
  
I was sure that I didn't want to know who entered.  
  
**Present:  
  
"Abby?" he said gently, questioningly, as if he was doubting the name.  
  
He watched her bite her lip before she turned to him, giving him her attention.  
  
"Are you the security around here?" she asked teasingly.  
  
He laughed, same old Abby. "Callie was just. . ."  
  
She nodded cutting him off. She looked away, back at the door, and said, "I have to go in there."  
  
He nodded, though she was not looking at him.  
  
He said, "I know, its okay," causing her to bring her eyes back to him.  
  
For a moment he thought she was going to thank him. Instead she stayed quiet.  
  
His eyes drifted to the little girl who held her hand. She must have noticed because she said, "this is my daughter, Cara."  
  
The little girl looked shyly at him. Her eyes were big and brown, and her golden brown hair was up in pigtails. She was beautiful.  
  
"Hi," he said squatting down to her eye level.  
  
"Car this is Dr. Gallant, he's an old friend of mommy's" she told the little girl.  
  
"Hi," she answered in a quiet voice.  
  
"Want me to watch her?" I asked.  
  
She smiled and nodded, "thanks," she told him before looking down at the little girl and asking, "Car can you go with Dr. Gallant?"  
  
"Okay," she replied.  
  
He lifted her off the ground as he stood up, and Abby handed him a little backpack.  
  
"It has her toys in it," she explained.  
  
He smiled at her, and turned to walk away.  
  
**Flashback:  
  
"Abby," I said gently. Maybe I said it to loudly.  
  
She was once again curled up on the bed sobbing, and I realized it was my fault.  
  
I walked closer and asked, "Abby do you still want to go home?"  
  
She looked up at me upon hearing the question and she nodded. Her eyes were redder then I had ever seen them and her cheeks were stained with more tears then I thought she had cried her entire life.  
  
"Gallant," I said the name without looking at him. I just suspected he was still there.  
  
"Yes," he responded.  
  
"Go get my car," I said this time turning around and throwing the keys at him.  
  
"John," Kerry warned me.  
  
"Gallant, go," I demanded realizing that he was still standing there.  
  
"John you can't do this, you shouldn't do this," she pleaded. Yes she pleaded.  
  
My mind was clouded. All I could think about was Abby's request.  
  
I didn't know.  
  
I didn't think.  
  
That what I was doing may be wrong.  
  
But it was.  
  
It was probably the worst thing I've ever done.  
  
I picked her up and took her home.  
  
**Present:  
  
"Dr. Carter," he heard someone say. He looked up to find Callie standing there.  
  
"Shouldn't you be off?" he asked her.  
  
"Yeah, I'm leaving now, but Dr. Gallant asked me to get you." She answered.  
  
"Is something wrong?"  
  
"I don't know, there was this women who keeps standing in front of the trauma room, and I asked him if I should get security. . ."  
  
"Trauma two?" he cut her off to ask.  
  
"Yeah, anyways he told me to get you instead." She finished.  
  
His eyes filled with hope, as he quickly made his way towards the room.  
  
He couldn't help but hope even though he told himself not to.  
  
"Abby," he whispered as he reached her.  
  
She turned to him with tear filled eyes.  
  
"Carter," she said in a similar whisper.  
  
Neither moved consciously, but they found themselves in each other's arms.  
  
Realization that she was really there hit him as he felt her tears stain his shirt.  
  
He kissed the top of her head and whispered her name again.  
  
She was real; she was there.  
  
He never wanted to let go again.  
  
Neither did she.  
  
A/N: well you've come to the end of another chapter, must I still beg for reviews? Well then please, please review. :)  
  
Thanks a zillion to everyone who has reviewed so far, lollipops for everyone! lol  
  
~Hailie 


	16. chapter 16

**Flashback:  
  
He left.  
  
He took Abby with him.  
  
I couldn't do anything to stop him.  
  
I should have.  
  
The look on her face was almost enough for me to convince myself that he was right.  
  
But he wasn't.  
  
Gallant came back to stand next to me as we watched them drive away. How were we supposed to know that this was goodbye? I guess we should have just known.  
  
I never saw Abby again.  
  
I'll never know what happened. What drove her away?  
  
How did she leave without Carter hating her for it? I'll never know that either.  
  
Gallant began to speak, I don't know exactly what he began to say and I didn't care.  
  
I silenced him by shaking my head and just watched the car until it disappeared into the night.  
  
If I had known I would have whispered goodnight. Sounds stupid, but maybe it would have helped.  
  
I may have continued to stand there, to stare, in a way that was completely uncharacteristic of me, but Susan joined us and asked a question that I felt ashamed of answering.  
  
**Present:  
  
It was time for Kerry to go home.  
  
She had waited for the moment all day and as it suddenly appeared she wasn't so sure that she wanted it to.  
  
She sat in her office somewhat baffled as to what it was that she wanted to do.  
  
What it was that she should do. Or should want to do.  
  
The day still had hours left to it even if she was free to go home.  
  
She shook her head at nothing, at no one.  
  
You see what to much thinking can do to you.  
  
She got up, having no more reason to sit there then to leave.  
  
She took one last glance at her office, her life, before turning the lights off on it for one more day.  
  
The hardest day of the year.  
  
She was content to hang onto it. It was hers.  
  
It was there's.  
  
Today the earth spun a little slower, the sun shined a little duller, and the clock mocked a little louder.  
  
Yes, that was today.  
  
**Flashback:  
  
"Where are they?" I asked. Simple questions normally have simple answers. This wasn't an exception, the answer was simple, just unexpected.  
  
"They left," Kerry answered. I waited for her to elaborate. I waited for her to correct herself. I waited for her to speak again.  
  
She didn't so I asked, "What do you mean?"  
  
"Dr. Carter took her home," Gallant answered after we both waited far to long for Kerry to continue.  
  
"You let him take her home?" I asked. It wasn't suppose to be condemning, it wasn't suppose to be hurtful, it was just suppose to be, I don't know? Informative, maybe?  
  
We stood again in the eerie silence that the day was built on. I was almost getting used to it.  
  
Finally she said, "No," and walked away.  
  
I wanted to yell 'wait' but my mouth wouldn't cooperate.  
  
What the hell happened?  
  
No never mind I didn't want the answer to that.  
  
Gallant stood motionless beside me.  
  
The city was dark. Well except for streetlights and office lights and car headlights and a thousand other ands that weren't important. Not to me, not now.  
  
Cars kept driving by, the doors to doc's kept opening and closing, the El still moved.  
  
The world didn't stop for us.  
  
But our world stopped.  
  
It changed.  
  
It fell apart leaving very few pieces behind.  
  
Leaving no pieces unbroken.  
  
**Present:  
  
Susan walked into the ER, baby carrier in one hand and Aason's hand holding the other.  
  
She walked towards the desk and noticed a little girl sitting behind it next to Taylor. Her head was down as she played with something on the desk, her golden curls bounced slightly.  
  
She approached the desk hurriedly and asked Taylor, "Is Dr. Carter around?"  
  
She noticed the little girl's head come up quickly and she was unsure of why. Her eyes met hers, but the girl look away just as quickly.  
  
"Callie said he was in one of the trauma rooms," Taylor replied.  
  
"Who is she?" Susan asked quietly.  
  
"I don't know," Taylor answered, "Dr. Gallant told me to keep an eye on her."  
  
"Hi sweetheart what's your name," Susan asked curiously. She seemed familiar for some reason.  
  
She brought her eyes up to meet Susan's, but she remained quiet.  
  
Susan smiled at the familiarity of them, but amazement overwhelmed her as she realized the full extent of what she thought.  
  
Abby.  
  
"Is your last name Lockhart?" she asked her.  
  
The little girl shook her head, disappointing Susan. She was so sure.  
  
Time was wasting and she had to find Carter, she was about to go find him when she looked around only to find Aason gone.  
  
"NO! Those are mine!" she heard screamed.  
  
She turned to behind the desk where Aason stood holding a handful of toys that obviously did not have belonged to him.  
  
"Aason!" she said sternly, causing him to lose some of the toys he held firmly.  
  
Cara had begun crying, which in turn had made Lacie cry.  
  
Gallant appeared only seconds later and lifted the crying girl into his arms. "It's okay, he'll give your toys back," he tried to reassure her.  
  
"I want my mommy," she said still in tears.  
  
"Okay," he said as he turned around and walked down the hall barely glancing at Susan.  
  
--  
  
Sorry no Carby in this one, but next chapter should be up very soon.  
  
Have you figured it out yet? I'm sure some of you have, just please don't leave your guesses on the reviews page, thanx!  
  
I gotta say thanks again to everyone who reviewed. It's always so great to hear it when people like your writing. It's what keeps me writing. So please keep doing it, please.  
  
Special thanks to Xan, Sam, Kla, and Mel who have kept me going through the last few chapters with their incredibly encouraging comments. You guys are great, Thank You so much!  
  
Mealz, Carbyluva much love to you to for sticking with me through the whole thing! I'm glad you still like it :)  
  
~Hailie 


	17. chapter 17

**Flashback:  
  
She sat on the bed covered in blankets. She had layers of clothes on underneath and I willingly turned the heat down to suit her. She didn't ask me too. She hadn't spoken at all since we got home, but I turned it down nonetheless, for her.  
  
I watched her. For too long I realized, as she grew more nervous under my gaze.  
  
"I'm sorry," I said looking away.  
  
No response.  
  
Every part of me wanted to sigh in frustration, but I didn't. "You should lay down and go to sleep," I said. I fear I sounded demanding, I didn't mean to.  
  
Her eyes turned to me, but she remained in her seated, curled up position.  
  
Her mouth moved to speak, but she shut it just as swiftly.  
  
I sat down on the side of the bed, away from her, not wanting to intrude. I examined the wall for a moment as I let thoughts wonder freely through my head.  
  
Bad idea.  
  
I still sat in my scrubs, having been too worried about her to care about things like changing my clothes.  
  
The sound of shifting blankets forced my eyes back to her and I immediately apologized, but when her eyes met mine I didn't turn them away.  
  
I couldn't read past the hurt and terror in them. I couldn't see Abby in them. It scared me.  
  
She looked away first. My unwillingness to do it must have forced her too, just another thing for me to feel guilty about.  
  
"I'm going to go sleep on the couch," I told her, wanting to give her space. Yet at the same time wanting to reassure her that she was safe. I wasn't going anywhere. "You should lay down and try to go to sleep too," I tried convincing her again.  
  
Her lack of response convinced me it was the right time to exit, so I got up.  
  
"Please don't," she whispered barely over the silence.  
  
"Don't what?" I asked afraid that she wouldn't want me to stay at the apartment. I couldn't leave her alone.  
  
I brought my eyes back to hers and this time I registered that tears still shined brightly in them. They hadn't fallen since we got home.  
  
"Don't leave me," she said shakily.  
  
"I'm not going anywhere baby," I said with more finality then I meant to. I hope it didn't sound harsh.  
  
She averted her eyes for a second before bringing them unexpectedly back to meet mine.  
  
I read what she wanted in them and I asked "you want me to stay in here?" surprised.  
  
She became even more unsure as she scanned me once more.  
  
Slowly she nodded slightly.  
  
I remained motionless. She had to know that she had complete control.  
  
She moved her gaze away from me, not giving me the attention I wanted, but now wasn't a time for me to be selfish.  
  
Her fingers began tracing patterns on the comforter and my eyes persisted to follow them.  
  
Finally she looked back up, but her fingers continued to move.  
  
She studied me carefully once more and after a while said, "You," very shakily.  
  
I understood, I'm not exactly sure how, but I understood. So I wouldn't force her to continue.  
  
"I'll keep my scrubs on," I said carefully.  
  
She nodded her head, but I still didn't move.  
  
"Okay," she said. That was enough reassurance for me, but I still moved hesitantly as I approached her.  
  
**Present:  
  
They stood in the moment, in each other's arms, neither daring to move.  
  
They were both too afraid that all would be lost if they were to separate.  
  
So there they stood.  
  
Their minds betrayed them as a reminder that 5 years still separated them was reintroduced simultaneously to them both.  
  
They both stepped back.  
  
Neither allowed their eyes to meet, both too afraid of what they would see.  
  
They stood in a silence that others would have thought was uncomfortable, but it wasn't.  
  
They were content.  
  
They were together.  
  
"Abby," he whispered again, and it made her wonder how many times he would say her name.  
  
She took a deep breath and then she took a risk. She looked up at him, only to find his eyes on her.  
  
She smiled.  
  
He smiled.  
  
They had the same tears in their eyes. The same love, the same hope was mirrored in them both.  
  
"John," she whispered back as much for her benefit as for his.  
  
The space between them wasn't diminished physically, but a step had been taken forward in time.  
  
"Five years," he said his voice betraying him.  
  
"Five years," she repeated before he had time to apologize.  
  
A step back.  
  
The smiles hadn't faded.  
  
"Welcome back," he said sincerely.  
  
Lacking in a response, she looked away.  
  
Her gaze fell upon the door once more.  
  
"I have to go in there," she said.  
  
"I'm here," he answered.  
  
"Thank you," she said extending her hand to him.  
  
He took it willingly.  
  
Still they smiled.  
  
**Flashback:  
  
"You want me to stay in here?" he asked. He sounded shocked.  
  
Why did he sound so shocked? Was it too much to ask?  
  
I nodded, conveying that yes that was what I wanted.  
  
He didn't move and I wondered why. Did I disgust him that much?  
  
I didn't know what to do so I sat there.  
  
He still didn't move.  
  
I needed him to sit down or at least look away, but he persisted to stand there looking down at me. Didn't he understand how much that scared me?  
  
I wasn't scared of him. I was just. . . scared. I was allowed to be scared wasn't I?  
  
I needed him to hold me.  
  
I looked up at him once more, noting that he still held his previous position. "You," I began in as steady a voice as I could manage.  
  
He seemed to understand and I wanted to thank him for not making me say it.  
  
"I'll keep my scrubs on," he said carefully.  
  
I nodded, but he still didn't move.  
  
"Okay," I forced the word out.  
  
He finally began to approach, but he moved slowly.  
  
He sat down next to me mimicking my position against the headboard.  
  
He looked unsure at the blankets that covered me, and I lifted them slightly, welcoming him.  
  
He smiled at me, but all I could do was look away.  
  
"Abby," he whispered again and I felt tears fall down my face again.  
  
I was overwhelmed with an image that would haunt me forever, and I let him in as much as I could.  
  
"Never say goodbye to me Carter," I said.  
  
"What?" he replied confused.  
  
"Just promise you'll never say those words to me."  
  
"Words? Abby I don't understand. I'm not going anywhere," he was still confused but I was unsure if I could elaborate.  
  
"Just never say goodbye," don't ever say 'goodbye Abby' just the thought brings the image of him killing himself to my mind. I never wanted to hear the phrase again. Most of all I didn't want to hear the words from him. I don't know if that makes sense.  
  
"Okay, I promise," he said sincerely.  
  
I brought my eyes to meet his as I slid down the headboard and laid down.  
  
His eyes watched me as if looking for permission.  
  
"Can you just," I began the question then suddenly was unable to continue it.  
  
He waited several minutes before he tried to guess the rest of it, "do you want me to just sit here? Cause I can do that Ab,"  
  
I shook my head and whispered, "Please hold me."  
  
"I can do that," he said with a sad smile.  
  
I wanted to whisper thank you, but the words wouldn't come out.  
  
He laid down next to me with much care and precision.  
  
He watched my eyes carefully, almost too carefully.  
  
I moved a tiny bit closer and that must have been enough reassurance because he slipped his arms around me and I allowed my head to fall upon his chest.  
  
I listened to him breath; I listened to his heartbeat as I allowed another million tears to fall upon his shirt. I didn't know I had that many tears.  
  
I hate crying.  
  
**Present:  
  
Abby placed her free hand upon the door, still holding on tightly to Carter's with the other.  
  
She knew she had to do this; she had to open the door. She had to face her fears, the place that still haunted her at night.  
  
With him by her side she was almost convinced that she could do it.  
  
She took a deep breath and pushed against it. She watched it open, revealing the room.  
  
She would have watched it shut again, but Carter caught it before it swung closed again. She could almost curse him for it.  
  
She looked down at the floor in an attempt to compose herself. He tried giving her support by squeezing her hand, and it helped.  
  
She brought her eyes up from the floor and back to him unexpectedly.  
  
He nodded at her even though she had not spoken.  
  
He stepped into the room first, the door pressed against his back as he held it open beckoning her.  
  
Still holding on tightly to his hand, she took the first step.  
  
He brought her further into the room and shut the door.  
  
She looked around. Too many emotions ran through her to even begin to explain the experience justly.  
  
He watched her stand biting her lip in an attempt not to cry and he cursed the years, and all the unknowns that still stood between them, and took her into his arms.  
  
She cried softly yet forcefully into him. As much as he wanted to comfort her more all he could do is let her cry.  
  
As she was able to calm down she lifted her head from his chest and looked at him carefully.  
  
He gently slid his fingers over her face whipping away the last of her tears. Memorizing her face again.  
  
She smiled as he brought his head down, their lips almost meeting.  
  
No.  
  
She backed away.  
  
She had to tell him first. She knew he would hate her.  
  
Like he said it has been 5 years.  
  
She has had 5 years to tell him.  
  
She registered the hurt in his eyes, but first he had to know.  
  
"John, I have to tell you something,"  
  
She was interrupted, however, before she could begin to explain.  
  
"Mommy!" she heard screamed as Gallant entered into the room with her crying daughter in his arms.  
  
She looked up alarmed.  
  
--  
  
A/N: wow my longest chapter yet! Hope you all liked it.  
  
Thanx for the reviews, you guys have all been really awesome :)  
  
Em: the last name wasn't suppose to be a mystery, in chapter 6 Abby's airline tickets where under the name Abby Wyczenski, so you can safely assume that her daughter's last name is Wyczenski too. 


	18. chapter 18

**Flashback:  
  
"Stop! No! Don't!" the screams wake me immediately with a start.  
  
Her breathing was heavy as she continued to scream and as my senses returned I suddenly realized that she pushed hard against me.  
  
I unwrapped my arms from around her as quickly as I could, and I watched her eyes open wide with fear.  
  
"Please don't hurt me," she whispered pleadingly as she backed away from me slowly. I realized that she didn't know that it was me lying next to her. At least I hope she said that without realizing it was me.  
  
Her breathing continued to quicken and I could see her shaking in the dim moonlight.  
  
I leaned over and turned the light on as fast as I could while I said as reassuringly as I could, "Abby, its me, its John, I'm not gonna hurt you." I try to reassure her, I really try.  
  
Her eyes change from fear to shame and I didn't know what to do.  
  
"Carter," she whispered, she sounded almost hopeful. Or maybe that's just how I thought she sounded.  
  
"Yeah, your okay Ab," I said gently. "I promise you, you are safe."  
  
"I'm sorry," she says as tears once again flow down her checks.  
  
"No," I say. "Don't you ever apologize to me for this. None of this is your fault." I want to hold her in my arms again, but I don't want to make a move without her permission.  
  
When her eyes shut tightly I fear I have spoken to hastily.  
  
I lift her face up to meet mine and add, "I don't want you to blame yourself for any of this Abby."  
  
Silence overtakes us for a moment. I am left uncomfortable and confused. I have no idea what to do.  
  
"I should have stopped him," she blurts out with a sudden rush of more tears.  
  
"No, baby, it wasn't your fault," I say and I engulf her in my arms as I find myself no longer able to restrain myself.  
  
She flinches slightly, but doesn't pull away.  
  
I gently rub her back as I hold her. Whispering reassurances.  
  
At some point her breathing evened and I laid us both back down on the bed.  
  
There we stayed, until she awoke again just as terrified an hour later.  
  
**Present:  
  
"What happened?" Abby asked with worry evident in her voice.  
  
"Mommy," the child in Gallant's arms said again as Carter watched her arms stretch out to Abby.  
  
"Aason grabbed some of her toys, and I couldn't calm her down, I'm sorry Abby," Gallant explained.  
  
"Car," Abby said taking her from Gallant's arms. "Cara, hey I'm sure he'll give them back to you. You know your suppose to share anyway."  
  
She wraps her arms around Abby's neck and lays her head down on her shoulder as Abby tries to calm her.  
  
All Carter can do is watch. He's stunned, to afraid to assume that she's his, and yet even more afraid to assume she's not.  
  
"Sweetie, you share your toys all the time, what's wrong?" she asks sweetly, while gently brushing her hair back. Carter is amazed by the scene that he watches.  
  
"Can we go home now?" she asks Abby quietly bringing her head up from Abby's shoulder.  
  
"You tired?" she asks the little girl, which is answered by a nod. "Well Car we're not going home tonight. We're going to stay in Chicago at least for the night, but we can go find a hotel to sleep at. Okay?"  
  
"No," Carter says interfering in the conversation.  
  
Abby looked at him confused and afraid, she had almost forgotten that he was there with her.  
  
**Flashback:  
  
"NO!" I scream. As the scene around me fades and I sit up in a cold sweat and open my eyes realizing that it was just a dream.  
  
Then just as quickly I realize that that isn't really true, It wasn't just a dream.  
  
It was real. It happened.  
  
Before I can do anything, before I can stop the tears or get up, or anything. I notice him.  
  
Carter lies beside me.  
  
Carter. His eyes look at me with such concern, I'm left feeling ashamed under his gaze. I'm forced to whisper I'm sorry as he moves to encircle me in his arms.  
  
"Please stop telling me that Abby, it's not your fault. You need to understand that," that's what he says, but I don't believe him. It is my fault; At least some of it, probably all of it.  
  
"I watched her die," he tries to lift my head up to look at him, but I couldn't. I couldn't look him in the eye. I couldn't tell him that I was the reason one of his friends is dead. "I'm so sorry John."  
  
"Abby there is nothing you could have done," he persists to defend me from myself.  
  
"I could have stopped. All he wanted us to do was stop," why can't I stop talking? Carter doesn't need to hear this.  
  
"It's not your fault baby. Please stop blaming yourself there is nothing that you could have done differently." He holds me tight and tries to convince me, but he doesn't. He can't.  
  
He's wrong.  
  
It was my fault.  
  
**Present:  
  
"No," Carter says interfering in the conversation he observed. The one he was so close to, yet so many years away from.  
  
Abby looked at him, confusion filled her face, while fear filled her heart.  
  
"What do you mean, No?" she asked only allowing confusion to be expressed in her voice.  
  
He didn't answer right away. He was captivated as the child she held in her arms turned towards him.  
  
She looked so much like Abby that it amazed him.  
  
Abby noticed where his attention had shifted. She wondered if he would ask if she waited long enough. But that wasn't fair, he had already waited far to long.  
  
"John," she said quietly, hesitantly, trying to bring his attention to her if only for a second.  
  
"Yeah," he said turning to her like she wanted. His eyes glittered, though the tears were still unsure of why they shinned.  
  
She swallowed hard. She had told him so many times in her head, and out loud. She had told his picture, her own reflection, she had even told her sleeping daughter several times- -practicing, but that didn't help her in this moment. No, it was no help at all.  
  
Her eyes shined as she became even more nervous.  
  
"Mommy," Cara said forcing her attention out of her head and back to reality.  
  
"Sweetie, this is my friend Car. . John." She stuttered, almost slipping, she didn't want to lock him into anything. Not yet.  
  
"Hi," Cara said shyly.  
  
"Hi," he said, he sounded amazed.  
  
"Why don't you tell John your name," Abby told her.  
  
"Cara," she whispered quietly laying her head down on Abby's shoulder.  
  
"Can you tell him your whole name Car?" Abby asked her knowing full well that any attempt she made at telling him, she would fail.  
  
"The whole thing?" Cara whined.  
  
"It's not that long," Abby said smiling.  
  
"Yes it is Mommy," she tried convincing.  
  
"Car."  
  
"Okay," she relented and she told him her name. It was the most beautiful name that he had ever heard, "Hope Carter Wyczenski," she said very precisely.  
  
Carter's eyes turned to Abby. She only nodded her head.  
  
They both understood, but he refrained from exclaiming. It wasn't his place to tell her, but that didn't make the excitement that he felt any less real.  
  
He had a daughter.  
  
He and Abby had a daughter.  
  
Abby had named her Hope, that was what she was, their Hope.  
  
Yet she called her Cara. Was it for him? Or was Hope just to hard?  
  
It didn't matter at the moment.  
  
Here they stood today.  
  
With tears.  
  
With smiles.  
  
With love.  
  
With Hope.  
  
~~  
  
A/N: I realize I took a long time getting this chapter written, but I had some personal problems to deal with. (Don't worry I won't bore you with those)  
  
Anyways, hope you enjoyed, and yes the name was planed from the beginning. Please tell me what you think.  
  
Thanks to everyone who reviewed, especially those of you who kept reviewing and e-mailing me, you know who you are :) the encouragement is very appreciated.  
  
Only a few chapters to go. . .  
  
~Hailie 


	19. chapter 19

Author's Note: okay so after a very long wait, 4 months as Carbyfan pointed out, here is chapter 19. To everyone who encouraged me to continue, THANK YOU. And I'm SORRY to everyone who was left hanging; I just got to a point where I couldn't write this story anymore. So I hope you aren't too disappointed with this chapter, and no promises on when the next one will be up. Enjoy ~Hailie  
  
**Flashback:  
  
Light trickles into my room where I'm not sleeping. I'm not really doing anything; I'm just lying there uselessly.  
  
I'm just lying there alone.  
  
I've counted back from 100 to many times already, in hopes of it helping me to fall asleep. Sometimes I forget that it's backwards that I'm counting and I start to go up again. 100, 99, 98. . .64, 63, 64. . .75 and I give up.  
  
Then I start over 100. . .  
  
It's a never-ending night, and yet I'm not allowed to pray for the morning to come. Hell I doubt I'll ever pray again. Not that I did it much anyways.  
  
Cars honk loudly on the street below, and my neighbor's dog barks louder then I remember him barking before.  
  
But I don't care. Why should I care?  
  
Those things don't matter. They're petty; they're stupid; they're pointless.  
  
I wanna scream.  
  
I have no right to scream.  
  
I wasn't hurt.  
  
I wasn't in there.  
  
I was just a bystander.  
  
I was a watcher.  
  
Instead of doing something I stood outside doing nothing.  
  
I watched other people do nothing too.  
  
We just stood there.  
  
Inches of wall and a stupid door separated us from them. Yet they didn't get in. They didn't help.  
  
Until it was too late.  
  
Three people dead.  
  
Two people alive.  
  
No one okay.  
  
But she's not dead.  
  
My best friend's not dead.  
  
I should thank someone somewhere for that right?  
  
No.  
  
No one deserves thanks for this.  
  
No one.  
  
Blame, now that people deserve.  
  
Carter blames Luka. I could see that much in his eyes.  
  
He should blame me.  
  
"Could I see your ID please?" why didn't I ask? Why didn't I care enough?  
  
It's my fault Jing-Mei's dead.  
  
It's my fault Abby went through whatever hell he put her through.  
  
It's my fault Luka's eyes look empty.  
  
It's my fault.  
  
I don't know if I can live with that.  
  
**Present:  
  
"Aason! Give me those!" Susan yells as she tries to pry the small toys out of Aason's hands.  
  
She had watched as Gallant quickly picked up the little girl and headed down the hallway. She tried to keep a close eye on his path until he disappeared out of view.  
  
First she had to quiet Lacie's cries, and as she felt the baby's forehead she realized that she was already feeling much cooler, perhaps the medication she had given her was working. Still she needed to find Carter.  
  
"Aason, you do not just take things from other people," she scolded him.  
  
When she had finally been able to quite Lacie, she collected most of the toys that Aason had grabbed, along with the ones he had made tumble to the floor.  
  
Before walking away from the desk she made sure that she had heard Taylor right, "Carter's in one of the Trauma rooms?" she questioned.  
  
"Yeah, as far as I know, but that was info from Callie," she warned.  
  
Callie wasn't the most reliable source, but she'd check the trauma rooms anyways.  
  
She began to follow the path that Gallant had taken down the hallway in hopes of finding the right room, so she could return the toys, and find Carter.  
  
It wasn't an easy task, as she had to force an unwilling Aason down the hall with her.  
  
Further down the hall, she observed Gallant leaving a room, door swinging closed behind him.  
  
"Gallant," she called out to him, but he obviously didn't hear her because he didn't pause. He continued his pace down the hallway away from her.  
  
He no longer held the little girl that he had earlier.  
  
Stopping outside the room that she had witnessed Gallant leaving, she conscientiously took no notice of where she was.  
  
Opening the door, she forced Aason in front of her and started saying without really looking around the room, "I'm so sorry Aason grabbed your. . ."  
  
And was met with a scene she never imagined would greet her.  
  
"Abby."  
  
**Flashback:  
  
I awoke for the millionth time and observed the same unchanged darkness that greeted me every time.  
  
I turned to my side wanting to make sure she was okay, and finding nothing but a pile of blankets beside me.  
  
I panicked.  
  
I completely lost it. I had to find her; she had to be okay.  
  
"Abby," I called as I quickly got out of bed.  
  
No response came; the quietness seemed to close in on me a little more.  
  
"Abby," I shouted a little louder, causing resonance through the small apartment.  
  
Still nothing.  
  
I walked down the hall, into the TV room, then through the kitchen.  
  
Nothing.  
  
No one.  
  
"Abby," my voice must have contained my fear, it must have.  
  
Still nothing.  
  
I went to pick up the cordless phone in the kitchen only to find it not on its base.  
  
So I searched for another one.  
  
My search led me back to our bedroom, past the bathroom, with the closed door.  
  
With the closed door?  
  
That's when I realized she must be in there, so I tapped on the door lightly. Why hadn't I checked there earlier?  
  
"Abby, are you in there?"  
  
Nothing.  
  
"Baby are you okay?"  
  
I tried the handle and found it locked.  
  
"Ab, please open the door," I begged.  
  
I was scared, very scared.  
  
"Abby, please let me in," I tried one last time.  
  
No noise came from the locked room so I looked above the doorframe where we usually kept the key, but it was gone.  
  
"Please Abby, just say something," I pleaded with her through the door.  
  
I couldn't force my way through it that would only terrify her, but nothing good could be happening in there.  
  
I walked into our bedroom and picked up the phone.  
  
**Present:  
  
'Hope Carter Wyczenski' Carter had to conscientiously force himself not to whisper the name in awe.  
  
But that didn't stop it from running through his mind on a continual loop.  
  
Abby didn't know what to do. This wasn't the place that she wanted to explain things to Cara, to John. Not here.  
  
Not in this room.  
  
She didn't want her daughter in this room at all; the thought suddenly emerged causing her to shiver involuntarily.  
  
"Car can I put you down?" she asked the little girl quietly.  
  
Cara shook her head and tightened her grip in response to the question. So Abby changed her position in her arms instead of putting her down.  
  
"I have to get her to bed," Abby told Carter.  
  
He nodded his head but before he could say anything the door opened and a voice said, "I'm so sorry Aason grabbed your. . ."  
  
The sentence was never finished as Susan looked up and said, "Abby."  
  
"Hi Uncle Carter!" Aason said cheerfully running over to him.  
  
Cara's head came up quickly from it position on Abby's shoulder.  
  
"Hi Susan," Abby said in as normal a voice as she could accomplish.  
  
"Abby," Susan repeated her name, this time with a huge smile on her face.  
  
That caused Abby to smile too as new tears began to glitter in her eyes.  
  
"I'm so glad you came back," Susan finally said.  
  
Abby bit her lip and said, "I missed you."  
  
"What are you doing back here Susan?" Carter asked.  
  
"Carter I need you to look at Lacie, but I can just get Gallant. . ." she trailed off.  
  
"Mommy," Cara whispered in her ear.  
  
"I know your tired baby, we're going to leave real soon okay?" Abby told her, pushing hair out of her eyes.  
  
"How come she keeps saying my name?" Cara asked still whispering.  
  
"What?" Abby asked momentarily confused, "Oh, John's last name is Carter."  
  
"Your name is Carter too?" Cara said excitedly looking at Carter.  
  
Carter looked equally excited as he looked at Cara and said, "yeah, my name's Carter too."  
  
The smile on his face showed his happiness, but it didn't do it justice.  
  
"You have a daughter!" Susan said causing Abby to panic momentarily before realizing that Susan meant her not Carter.  
  
"Yeah, Susan this is my daughter Cara," Abby introduced.  
  
"Cara Carter," Susan said.  
  
"No," Cara said laughing, "that sounds silly."  
  
That made it impossible for Abby to respond because she found herself laughing too.  
  
"Hope Carter Wyczenski," Carter corrected for them. Loving the fact that he got to say it.  
  
Loving the fact that she was his. 


	20. chapter 20

**Flashback:  
  
I couldn't lie there anymore.  
  
Every time I closed my eyes, it replayed.  
  
Sometimes all of it, sometimes only parts.  
  
Every time.  
  
It replayed.  
  
The last time I bit my lip hard as I chocked back my screams. I couldn't wake him again.  
  
I didn't want to see that look in his eyes. I didn't want him to see the look in my eyes.  
  
I tried to steady my breathing, but as I failed I settled for quieting it.  
  
He stirred briefly, but didn't open his eyes.  
  
I crept quietly from under the covers and then out of the bed.  
  
I looked back again, making sure he wasn't secretly watching me. I didn't really believe he'd do that; or I guess, yes I did.  
  
He was still asleep, so I left the room.  
  
I found myself in the kitchen. I wasn't really looking for anything. I was just looking at everything.  
  
Now I know that doesn't make sense.  
  
It was like looking through a new perspective. Yet, at the same time I wanted so desperately to just be me.  
  
Who was I?  
  
I was sick of the tears. It seemed like I'd cried an endless amount already, and for what?  
  
Nevermind.  
  
I listened as my own footsteps on the tile floor resounded in the air. The tiles felt cold against my bare feet, but it was a welcomed feeling.  
  
I gave in.  
  
I searched.  
  
I searched for something, anything that could take it all away.  
  
I didn't want to feel anymore.  
  
There was nothing.  
  
I'm sure Carter made sure of that. I'll probably be grateful one day, but not today.  
  
Today I'm hateful.  
  
I sat on one of the kitchen chairs for some time before restlessness over came me and forced me to move on.  
  
Being drawn to the front door, I checked the locks once again. Turning each one carefully as if it hadn't been locked.  
  
The air held a disturbing silence as if the world was holding its breath.  
  
I shivered.  
  
A blanket on the sofa drew me to itself and I huddled under it for a few long minutes.  
  
A book lying on the coffee table before me caught my attention.  
  
It was a photo album.  
  
I pushed it away, and allowed it to fall onto the floor.  
  
The sound of it falling to the ground was muffled as it hit the soft carpet. I hoped it wasn't too loud.  
  
As quietness once again filled the air, I stood up pulling the blanket around myself tightly.  
  
I mistakenly looked down and was greeted by a picture I didn't want to see. Smiling faces mocked me.  
  
I ripped the picture out of the album angrily and grabbed the phone that sat next to it on the floor.  
  
**Present:  
  
"What about you!" Abby said excitedly, "You have two kids."  
  
"Yeah," Susan said excitedly.  
  
The two smiled at each other as if Abby had never left.  
  
"And what are their names?" Abby asked as Susan failed to offer amidst all the excitement.  
  
"Aason William, who so kindly stole your daughter's toys," Susan said.  
  
"Don't worry about it," Abby replied, "Miss Cara here needs a nap."  
  
"Still I'm so sorry," Susan said, "Aason apologize."  
  
"I don't wanna!" he whined.  
  
"Aason!"  
  
"I'm sorry," he finally offered.  
  
"And this is Lacie Abigail," Susan said cheerily.  
  
"Susan," Abby said elated, "thank you."  
  
"I missed you Abs," she said as she came over and gave Abby a hug.  
  
"I missed you too Susan."  
  
"Well I have to go find Gallant," Susan said moving back towards the door.  
  
"No Susan let Carter look at her," Abby said.  
  
"No Gallant's probably the better doctor anyways," Susan said. "Come on Aason," she called.  
  
"Mommy."  
  
"No more 'I don't want toos'," she said sternly.  
  
Abby looked on grateful that Cara hadn't been as much of a handful so far.  
  
"Now we'll have to make plans to get together," Susan said, "now that you're back."  
  
"I'm not. ." Abby started but was cut off as the door closed behind Susan.  
  
**Flashback:  
  
I walked into our bedroom and picked up the phone.  
  
I wasn't sure who the best person to call would be.  
  
I didn't know what to do.  
  
Who would know?  
  
I closed my eyes in frustration and was tempted to throw the phone across the room.  
  
Something stopped me.  
  
None of this was about me. There shouldn't be an easy way for me.  
  
This was about Abby.  
  
Still unsure as to whom to call I picked the phone up and was about to dial when I heard, "I can only help you sweetheart if you tell me what's wrong."  
  
"I can't," came her small reply, I could hear the tears in her voice.  
  
"Abby, what happened?"  
  
"Mom. . ." I placed the phone back down.  
  
She had turned to Maggie.  
  
I wasn't sure what to think about that.  
  
**Present:  
  
"You're not what?" Carter asked as the door closed behind Susan.  
  
She bit her lip and looked away in contemplation. She would avoid for now, "I have to go find a hotel room."  
  
"I kept it," Carter said allowing the change of subject.  
  
"Kept what?" she asked.  
  
"The apartment."  
  
New tears shinned in her eyes, but she forced them away and whispered, "why?"  
  
"Because I promised."  
  
"That was 5 years ago."  
  
"You came back didn't you?"  
  
"Carter. . ."  
  
"I know, we'll talk about it, but Abby I hope you plan on staying."  
  
"Do you live there?" she asked.  
  
"No," he admitted, "I couldn't without you."  
  
"But you still kept it," she said in disbelief.  
  
"I would have kept it forever."  
  
Abby realized that Cara's quietness was due to the fact that she had fallen asleep, and she said, "well I think we should go," while motioning to the sleeping child.  
  
"Okay," he said.  
  
Together they walked out the doors to the trauma room.  
  
"Aren't you working right now?" she asked him as they moved toward the exit.  
  
"Don't worry about it," he said. He knew Susan would find someone to cover.  
  
~~  
  
A/N: you know I love leaving these. . .  
  
Can you believe it? that was chapter 20; I never thought this story would make it this far. THANK YOU so much to everyone who reviewed! You guys are so inspiring. Thanks so much!  
  
Happy Halloween! 


	21. chapter 21

**Flashback:  
  
I'd have to contradict myself in explaining how the rest of the day went.  
  
It was agonizingly slow. The clock never seemed to move. The day never seemed to end.  
  
Yet it was hectic. Traumas, exams, they went so fast that they left my head spinning and a blur in my mind of the events.  
  
Sadly, I'd have to say I wasn't a very good doctor that day.  
  
When you come to a hospital, an ER, you expect the best. You deserve the best. No matter who you are, no matter where you go, because everyone is important.  
  
I failed to provide that.  
  
We were left understaffed, and people complained.  
  
Patients complained, nurses and doctors that were brought in from other departments complained.  
  
No one from the ER complained.  
  
Why were we supposed to care that someone was awoken from bed and forced to come down here to work?  
  
Why were we supposed to care that a patient had to wait 10 extra minutes?  
  
We didn't care.  
  
Our minds weren't here. They shouldn't have been.  
  
Yet they should have been at the same time.  
  
I guess I contradicted myself yet again.  
  
It's almost funny; I was days away from becoming a Doctor, not just a med student, but a Doctor.  
  
And I was ready to quit. Honestly, I was.  
  
**Present:  
  
"Gallant," Susan called as she spotted him down the hall.  
  
"Hey Susan, what are you doing back?" he asked as he approached her.  
  
"Hi Uncle Gallant," Aason said happily.  
  
"Hi Aason," he said lifting the boy.  
  
"Could you look at Lacie for me? She had a fever earlier, and I think its okay now, but I just want to make sure," Susan explained.  
  
"Sure," Gallant said, "exam two should be open."  
  
"Thanks," Susan said.  
  
Susan followed him to exam two, and they found that it was indeed empty.  
  
He set Aason down and began examining Lacie.  
  
"Abby's back," Susan plainly said.  
  
He smiled, "she looks like she's doing good."  
  
"She has a daughter," Susan said.  
  
"Cara."  
  
"Hope Carter Wyczenski," Susan added.  
  
"She's married?" he asked  
  
"I don't know," Susan replied.  
  
"Sounds that way," Gallant said.  
  
"Yeah I know," Susan agreed, "but Carter seemed happy."  
  
"He's waited for her to come back for years, of course he's happy," Gallant said.  
  
"Do you think she's his?" Susan asked.  
  
"Abby wouldn't have named her Carter if she wasn't."  
  
"I know," Susan sighed, "but it's not her last name."  
  
"And Carter knows?" Gallant questioned.  
  
"He was the one who told me her name," Susan explained, "I assumed it was Cara Carter."  
  
Gallant nodded.  
  
"Or even Cara Lockhart," Susan added.  
  
"So her name isn't Cara at all?" Gallant asked.  
  
"No. Hope Carter Wyczenski," Susan repeated.  
  
"Maybe Abby just changed her last name," Gallant suggested.  
  
"Why would she do that?" Susan asked.  
  
"I don't know," Gallant admitted.  
  
"Still, I'm glad she's back," Susan affirmed.  
  
"Me too," Gallant agreed. "Is she back for good?"  
  
"For Carter's sake I hope so," Susan answered.  
  
"Lacie's temperature is normal, and nothing seems to be wrong, but I can do some tests if you want," Gallant offered.  
  
Susan thought about it, but she thought Lacie was okay now too, and she could always bring her back so she said, "No that's okay. I'll just take them home."  
  
"Okay," Gallant replied.  
  
"Oh, I'm sure Carter left, so I have to find someone else to cover," Susan suddenly realized.  
  
"Don't worry Susan, I'll find someone for you," Gallant offered.  
  
"Thanks."  
  
"Now get theses two out of here!" he laughed lifting Aason into the air.  
  
**Flashback:  
  
She crept out of the bathroom quietly.  
  
Perhaps she was hoping that I wouldn't say anything.  
  
Sitting on the far side of the bed I was unable to see it open, but the usual squeak of the door let me in on the fact that she had opened it.  
  
She walked into the room and my eyes turned quickly to her, as much as I tried to stop them.  
  
Her eyes; her face; her stance; it all screamed of fear.  
  
"I'm sorry," she whispered as she turned away from me.  
  
With every part of my will power I prevented myself from walking towards her.  
  
"Abs, you have absolutely nothing to be sorry about."  
  
Her eyes moved back and forth though I am unsure of what she was looking at.  
  
We remained still and silent for some time, and I was unsure if that was what she wanted.  
  
"You should go back to sleep," I said gently.  
  
Her fearful eyes looked back at me as she whispered, "I can't."  
  
I nodded my head, not fully understanding.  
  
"I see it," she continued to whisper, but she no longer looked at me. Her eyes were cast far away out the window to my left.  
  
I wanted to cry, but I wouldn't; I hoped.  
  
"Want to tell me what happened?" I asked lovingly.  
  
She shook her head fiercely.  
  
"It might help," I tried convincing.  
  
"No," she said, her voice breaking lightly.  
  
"That's okay," I assured.  
  
"Nothing's okay," she countered.  
  
"I'm sorry," I said.  
  
"You shouldn't be sorry," she whispered.  
  
"Neither should you," I explained.  
  
"But its my fault!" she screamed before breaking down into sobs.  
  
I walked over to her quickly this time and wrapped my arms around her without thinking.  
  
She flinched and I felt horrible again. Then she sank into my embrace.  
  
"Nothing that happened was your fault Abby," I said gently, reassuringly. "None of it is your fault."  
  
"You should hate me," she said.  
  
"I could never hate you baby," I assured her, "especially not for this. This was not your fault."  
  
"She's dead."  
  
"There's nothing you could have done," I assured.  
  
"I could have done something."  
  
"You didn't do anything wrong."  
  
"You shouldn't want to touch me, I should disgust you," she screamed and forced herself out of my arms.  
  
As I looked into her eyes, I was mystified as to whether I would ever be able to convince her otherwise.  
  
**Present:  
  
They arrived at the apartment building and as Abby looked around she was thankful that it wasn't their apartment. She didn't think she could have gone there.  
  
Cara lay asleep in the backseat with Carter's jacket across her.  
  
He'd have to buy a car seat for her Carter had realized as they had laid her down earlier.  
  
He'd have to buy her a lot of things.  
  
He kept looking back at her throughout the drive, making sure she was still there; she was still real.  
  
He held Abby's hand in his own, hoping she wouldn't take it away.  
  
As he stopped the car Abby failed to move at all.  
  
"I have a spare bedroom," Carter explained.  
  
"You could have just taken us to a hotel," Abby said quietly.  
  
"I really want you to stay her, with me, but if you don't want to. . ."  
  
"No," she interrupted, "its okay."  
  
"Thank you," he whispered to her.  
  
"Can I?" he asked motioning to Cara.  
  
"Sure," she replied smiling.  
  
His smile widened as he got out of the car.  
  
Abby grabbed their bags.  
  
While Carter opened the back door and lifted Cara into his arms, being careful to wrap his jacket tightly around her.  
  
. . .  
  
As they entered the apartment, Abby looked around carefully.  
  
Carter walked through the living room and into a small hallway, where he entered the first room on the left.  
  
Abby followed quickly.  
  
"Do you want me to just put her down?" Carter asked her.  
  
Abby pulled down the carefully made covers of the bed and said, "Yeah, I just need to take her shoes off."  
  
Carter nodded and laid the little girl down on the bed.  
  
As Abby took off her shoes she asked, "could you look in that green bag over there for a teddy bear?"  
  
"Sure," he said his excitement overflowing.  
  
When Abby finished taking Car's shoes off she pulled the blankets up tightly around her.  
  
Carter still stumbled through the bag unable to find a bear.  
  
Abby walked over and frowned. "It's not in there?" she asked.  
  
"I can't find it," he responded moving so that she could check the bag.  
  
"I hope its in one of the other bags then," she said picking up the bag with her clothes in it.  
  
She motioned for him to do the same with the last bag, so he did.  
  
"Is this it?" he asked holding up a brown tattered bear.  
  
"Yeah," she said smiling.  
  
"I can buy her a new one," Carter suggested.  
  
Abby rolled her eyes as she took the bear from him. "Didn't you ever have a favorite thing that you took everywhere?" she asked.  
  
He nodded in understanding.  
  
She laid the bear under the covers next to Cara and turned to look at Carter.  
  
"She's beautiful," he whispered, still in awe.  
  
"Yes she is," Abby whispered and left the room.  
  
After watching over Cara for a few more moments, Carter followed her.  
  
~~  
  
I have to say thank you again to my wonderful reviewers! You guys make my day. Thanks so much.  
  
Special thank yous to Taz, kla, ER-Carby-Luva, Carbyfan, Abby, Sam, carbyluv, camila, marie, loopylu, (and I know I forgot a lot of you, sorry!!) you guys have been encouraging me for a long time now and I appreciate it so much.  
  
Thanks,  
  
Hailie 


	22. chapter 22

**Flashback:  
  
"You shouldn't want to touch me, I should disgust you," I screamed and pushed myself out of his arms.  
  
I looked at him briefly before running out of the room. I didn't know where to go. I didn't want to leave the apartment, just the thought made me shiver.  
  
I turned into the one room that I could lock myself in, again.  
  
The bathroom.  
  
I couldn't breathe as I slammed the door shut and made sure the lock was turned.  
  
He said my name over and over again.  
  
My arms pushed firmly on the door, in case the lock gave out I guess.  
  
I felt myself hyperventilating, but I could do nothing to stop it.  
  
"Abby, please," his voice pleaded again.  
  
"Stop," I screamed as loud as I could. Tears fell heavily down my face once again.  
  
I wanted to stop crying, but I couldn't.  
  
"Just open the door, Abs, I just want to help you," he assured.  
  
"You can't," I whispered, unsure if he heard me or not.  
  
I turned my back to the door, leaning heavily on it and slid down to the floor. I hugged my knees tightly once again.  
  
"Baby please let me in," I heard him say, but I didn't respond.  
  
I felt so dirty, sitting there crying on the floor. I felt so ashamed, so worthless.  
  
I stood up after a while and walked toward the tub and turned the water on. Once it warmed up I turned the shower on and got into the bathtub. I just stood there letting the water mix with my salty tears.  
  
I wanted it to all go away, for it to just end. Why couldn't it just end?  
  
I was lost for a time, until I realized my whole body was shivering, and that I hadn't taken any of my clothes off, so my clothes were drenched through.  
  
My teeth chattered gently, as I turned of the water and stepped out of the tub.  
  
I didn't have many options so I quietly walked over to the door and whispered, "Carter," my voice quivering.  
  
"I'm right here," he replied quickly and I could hear him stand up.  
  
"Can you get me some clothes?" I asked embarrassed.  
  
"Of course," he replied, "can you open the door?"  
  
Tears once again spilled from my cheeks as I slowly turned the lock.  
  
I still shivered as he opened the door and looked at me. He didn't say anything, but he bit his bottom lip. I could tell he was mad.  
  
"I forgot," I stuttered.  
  
"Hey, its okay," he quickly said as I watched him grab a towel out off the rack and wrap it around my shoulders.  
  
I didn't want him to touch me, but I also didn't move away.  
  
"I'm sorry," I whispered as I looked around at the mess I had made, with water covering the floor.  
  
"It's okay, Abby," he tried to assure me, but I knew it wasn't. "I'm going to go get you some new clothes," he then said.  
  
I nodded dumbly, and whispered I'm sorry again after him.  
  
**Present:  
  
Abby sat on the couch awaiting his inevitable entrance into the room.  
  
She had known that this would be hard, and tears sprang involuntarily to her eyes.  
  
She heard him enter the room behind her, and she wiped quickly at her eyes.  
  
He swallowed hard, unsure of the best way to begin.  
  
"I'm sorry," she offered, not attempting to turn and face him.  
  
"I'm a dad," he whispered just loud enough for her to hear.  
  
He came around the couch and sat on the coffee table in front of her only to notice her eyes downcast at the floor.  
  
He gently lifted her chin to look at him and observed unexpected tears running down her face.  
  
"Abby," he gently said her name.  
  
"Just promise me," she asked him, "Promise you won't take her away from me," she almost begged. "She's all I have."  
  
"I would never take her away from you," he answered, taking her hands in his.  
  
"I didn't mean to keep her from you," she told him, "I just, I couldn't come back here."  
  
"I know," he acknowledged.  
  
"I was so scared all the time," she explained.  
  
He nodded, not wanting to interrupt.  
  
"Maggie made me go to a hospital, and when I found out I was pregnant I panicked. I thought it was his, and I couldn't deal with that," Abby continued.  
  
He squeezed her hand gently, giving her support to go on.  
  
"But she wasn't. I was six weeks, I don't know how we didn't know."  
  
He couldn't help but smile. Yeah, they should have known.  
  
"I wanted to tell you, but I just, couldn't." she tried to explain, "I know that probably doesn't make sense, but I just couldn't."  
  
"You went through a lot that day. More then anyone ever should. I know that Abs, I'm not mad, I'm just glad you finally came home," he explained.  
  
"Thank you."  
  
"I still love you Abby, I always have," he told her, slightly afraid of what reaction his words would bring.  
  
"I love you too," she smiled throwing her arms around him.  
  
As she pulled back, they looked into each other's eyes seeing only truth, and love.  
  
"Where have you guys been living?" he asked.  
  
"Orlando," she answered simply.  
  
"Not Minnesota?" he questioned.  
  
"Not since Maggie died," Abby explained.  
  
Carter was taken back, "I'm sorry, I. ."  
  
"It's okay," Abby assured, "You didn't know."  
  
"When?" Carter asked.  
  
"A couple years ago," Abby explained, "She never got to see Cara."  
  
Her name brought a smile to his face instantly, though it wasn't appropriate for the conversation.  
  
His smile made Abby smile as well.  
  
"I'm sorry," he said again.  
  
"It's okay, it was years ago. I don't know what I would have done without Maggie's help though. I probably wouldn't be here. I probably would never have gone to therapy."  
  
"Are you still in therapy?" he asked gently.  
  
She shook her head slowly. "I'm okay now. I really am. Cara, she. . ." Abby began then looked away from him carefully before looking back and saying, "she changed my life. She gave me something worth living for."  
  
"I want her to know who I am," Carter said cautiously.  
  
"Me too," Abby said with a smile, slightly startling Carter.  
  
"Thank you."  
  
"Is it okay if I take a shower?" Abby asked needing to get away for a few minutes.  
  
"Sure."  
  
**Flashback:  
  
I went back into our room and grabbed some clothes from the dresser. I honestly didn't know what else to do.  
  
Getting Abby out of the wet clothes was the first thing on my mind.  
  
Then we'd approach the subject of going back to the hospital.  
  
When I came back I found her standing in the same spot, her entire body shivering. Tears fell easily from her eyes and she looked at me hopelessly. I wouldn't let her give up hope, I couldn't.  
  
I grabbed another large towel from the rack and wrapped it around her shivering body, and pulled her into an embrace.  
  
She didn't pull away; she just sank into my embrace and cried.  
  
Unfortunately I knew that I had to get her into some dry clothes, so I pulled away slowly.  
  
She eyed me carefully as pulled away, and I explained, "We just need to get you out of those wet clothes."  
  
She nodded her head slowly.  
  
"Want me to wait outside?" I asked.  
  
She hesitated, I knew she wanted to say yes, but she wasn't sure if she'd need any help. She did know that she didn't want any.  
  
"Why don't I help you get your sweatshirt off?" I offered. I wasn't exactly sure how many layers of clothes she had hidden herself in.  
  
She nodded her head ever so slightly.  
  
When she was down to her t-shirt and pants I left the room, not fully closing the door behind me. I didn't want her to lock herself in again.  
  
When she had changed into new clothes she opened the door, I think I startled her by being in the hallway.  
  
"Do you want to go back to bed?" I asked slowly.  
  
"No," she answered quietly.  
  
"Are you hungry?"  
  
"No," she answered in the same timid voice.  
  
"I could get dressed and we could go back to the hospital," I offered hoping she would accept.  
  
"You promised," she demanded.  
  
"Abby I promised you wouldn't have any tests last night, but you know that you need to go back," I explained.  
  
"No," she said breaking down again.  
  
I held her in my arms while she sobbed once again.  
  
**Present:  
  
"Where's my Mommy?" Cara questioned startling Carter who sat on the couch by himself.  
  
"She's taking a shower," Carter answered.  
  
"Oh," Cara said.  
  
"Are you hungry?" he asked.  
  
She shook her little head and asked, "Do you have any juice?"  
  
"Sure," he said quickly getting up.  
  
He noticed that she held the little bear that he had found earlier tightly in her hands.  
  
Lets go see what kind of juice I have," he said motioning for Cara to follow him to the kitchen.  
  
"Okay," she said quietly.  
  
As they entered the kitchen Cara climbed into one of the chairs, while Carter opened the fridge.  
  
"Do you like orange or apple juice?" Carter asked.  
  
"Apple," Cara replied.  
  
Carter was glad that he still had some apple juice left from the last time he watched Aason and Lacie.  
  
He took out a plastic cup and filled it partially with juice, and then handed it to Cara.  
  
"Thank you," she said politely.  
  
"Your welcome," he smiled.  
  
Her hair was ruffled from sleep and her cheeks were still a soft pinkish color, but she was the most beautiful site Carter had ever seen.  
  
"Do you have any coloring books?" Cara asked startling him.  
  
"Um, no I don't think so," he said moving to look through the bookshelf.  
  
He didn't notice as Cara quietly exited the room, so when he turned back around he was shocked not to see her.  
  
"Cara," he called down the hallway.  
  
"I just wanted to get my toys," she explained carrying a small backpack that Carter hadn't really noticed before. "I brought my crayons," she explained digging into the bag, "but I forgot my coloring books."  
  
"Well lets go into the other room, and I'm sure I can find something," Carter said picking up the small bag that Cara was dragging across the floor more then carrying.  
  
They entered the living room and Cara jumped onto the couch.  
  
"Here's a book," she exclaimed motioning to the open medical journal on the table.  
  
Not wanting to disappoint the little girl he said, "Okay, you can color on that."  
  
Her eyes lit up with excitement.  
  
Carter just sat watching Cara color. She would explain to him what each picture was while she colored.  
  
He loved having her attention.  
  
After a few minutes Carter went back to the kitchen for some more juice.  
  
Just as he was about to pour it into a cup he heard, "Carter what are you doing?" yelled, which caused him to spill it all over the floor.  
  
He looked around not finding Abby, so he walked out into the room only to observe Abby taking the journal away from Cara.  
  
She heard him enter and she immediately began apologizing for Cara.  
  
"It's okay," he told Abby, "I told her she could."  
  
"I told you Mommy," Cara said in tears.  
  
"You're sure?" Abby questioned.  
  
"Yeah, its alright," he said.  
  
"I'm sorry Cara," Abby apologized as she laid the book back down on the table.  
  
~~  
  
Author's note:  
  
Well it's been a long, great journey and I've loved writing this story. Thanks so much for all of your encouragement throughout it.  
  
I know this isn't really an ending, but it's where I'm going to stop.  
  
I'm no longer an ER fan, and I'm definitely no longer a John Carter fan, so it has become increasingly difficult to continue writing.  
  
I've had a great time writing and I appreciate everyone who reviewed this story, or any of my other stories on this site.  
  
As always I'd love to hear what you thought. Hailie_Jade24@yahoo.com  
  
Thanks so much,  
  
~Hailie 


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